Pain and Suffering
by Absolute Edge
Summary: Upon the cusp of defeat a brave man gave his all so the many could live. The Reapers have been defeated, the war is over, it is time to rebuild. However, the twisted war of the mind has just begun... I didn't like the ending. I'm making my own. Occurs after Destruction option. (M) Shep x Tali (Ch.XI in work, yeah probably going to continue this a few more chapters)
1. Waking Up

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

Chapter I

Something was wrong. Something wasn't happening. He was dying but he didn't know why. He struggled against the crushing force, the overwhelming darkness closing in around him.

He was losing.

This isn't right! Why was nothing happening? What was he doing wrong? He had no answers to the questions that flooded his mind, so he continued to die.

"_Breathe."_

The voice was all around him. It was right. That was what he had forgotten. That's what the darkness was taking away from him.

He opened his mouth but it wasn't working. There was no air, only the darkness.

"_Breathe!"_

The voice was insistent, almost teaching. Like a mother scolding a child for something that should be obvious. It wasn't helping. He had forgotten. He just couldn't remember how.

"_BREATHE!"_

The voice screamed directly into his mind. His whole body twitched in pain as it echoed around his skull like a wrecking ball. He tried again and was rewarded by something that was not air. It was warm and wet, it was surprisingly soothing. It felt good.

The darkness retreated, a small victory in reality. The warm and wet was pleasant, regardless of its rather tangy metallic aftertaste. It almost tasted like copper, but that wasn't important.

The darkness came back with a vengeance. He thrashed in its vicious embrace. His limbs slowed, his efforts slackened, his strength left him. He died.

"_Wake up."_

He woke up gasping for air and coughing up the warm and wet, it was blood. Not that surprising now that he thought about it. He opened a bloodied and bruised eye, his left didn't respond. A burning sky stared back at him, an orange and red inferno. The sun was barely visible through the cloud cover. There were things drifting through the air. He reached out to capture one of the slow moving objects but stopped abruptly. He squinted at his hand and realized that his pinky and ring finger of his right hand had been replaced by crusty stumps at the knuckle. He found himself shocked that he didn't feel all that surprised by the physical loss. He felt the same about the fact that most of his arm was burnt to a crisp and flaked as he moved it. He brought his hand closer to examine the damage to his fingers as his sight had become gradually blurry and had started jumping in and out of clarity. Changing his focus to his inactive left eye he felt for it with his remaining fingers and was, again, unsurprised to find a wet, sticky crater instead. His fingers grazed by his brow as they followed the wreck of his face and discovered that his hair had been blasted to ash. He brushed his hand forward and watched the flakes of burnt flesh fall down in front of him. It brought his attention back to the mysterious objects in the air. He reached out again, slowly. One seemed to beeline straight for his open palm and he closed his fingers around it. He brought it close to examine it. He opened his fingers and saw the object for what it was

It was ash.

The same type of ash that flaked off his arm was floating through the sky now.

The sun wasn't being obscured by cloud cover. It was being blotted out by the ashen corpses of the uncountable millions that have died during the Reaper attack. He tried to smile as he recalled a conversation he had once had but his jaw felt dislocated and refused to function. It just hung there slack, slightly agape like a bad grin.

"Does-" He began, his own voice sounding foreign to him. It was bizarre… almost disturbing. He also found each word required tremendous effort with an inoperable jaw.

"Does honor… matter?" He whispered to the ghosts. He waited; lying in the ash of the millions dead, but there was no reply. He laughed weakly at the irony of his situation but it turned into a vicious cough.

He didn't hurt. In fact nothing hurt but he knew through experience that the pain will come now that he was conscious. He tried to lean forwards to uncover the extent of his injuries but to no avail. He did, however, hear a very distinct, very singular grinding sound when he had tried to move his torso. He had a spinal injury. The grinding was of crushed disks rubbing together. He let out a depressed sigh and looked at what he could instead. If his right arm was anything to go off of then at least eighty percent of his body is covered in third degree burns. The flesh was burnt black and cracked like a dry lake bed with rivers of dark red running between the cracks. It dawned on him that his left arm hasn't moved regardless of his requests to have it seek out injuries. He looked over at it and was actually surprised; he hadn't seen anything like it before. From the bicep down it was scorched bone being held together by strands of sinew and chunks of cooked meat.

He wasn't a man to cry over spilt milk and he liked to think his emotions were always in check. Before, a few years ago, he had simply died during reentry and that was that but this… this is unnecessary suffering. Regardless of his wishes his will to survive refuted death at every turn. He wouldn't be surprised if he shot himself in the head and woke up seconds later with a simple headache. He wanted to cry over this unfairness. Hadn't he suffered enough? Hadn't he experienced enough pain? He wanted to be with his love. To take her back to her home planet and build her that house on the beach she always wanted. Instead, the Universe, apparently, had a better idea.

"Hey, I'm going to let you live through that massive explosion you were only feet away from but, you know, I'm just going to dump you here as a complete wreck and leave you with a few minutes to live so you can reflect on how unfair I am. Have a nice day."

He would die here, alone and destroyed as a shell of his former self. His head swam and he blacked out as more depressing thoughts entered his mind. He was thankful for the distraction and welcomed it. Though, his peace didn't last too long. He woke to yelling.

"We got a live one!" A voice bellowed, it was vaguely familiar but his head was swimming and his one relatively good eye wasn't able to stay focused long enough to see a face. He could only make out the most obvious of details. The individual was large but there was something off about him, his arms seemed disproportionate to his great size. He tried to think but the pain suddenly spiked from his wounds all at once. It corrupted his mind and pierced straight through his very soul.

Coherent thought, gone.

Emotional stability, gone.

Peace of mind, gone.

There was no longer a logical thought process. Images failed to incite meaning. Entire sentences and phrases were collapsing into ruin. Letters became mystical glyphs that he could not decipher. There was a tsunami of pain that repeatedly threw itself against the waning fabric of his mind and an ocean of suffering washing away any semblance of order.

There was only Chaos.

"Stand aside, please. I must examine him." Another called out as it ran up and crouched by him. He didn't understand what the man was saying nor what was going on anymore. His world had been turned upside down and ripped to shreds.

Now there were others but his eye sight was just about gone. Only dark, fuzzy outlines of people against the inferno of the sky betrayed their existence. His hearing was slowly being consumed by a high pitched ringing. He felt them touching his body, his wounds but it had become only a vague pressure to him. His senses had stopped working; his body was shutting down, possibly for good this time.

No magical sciences to bring him back from the dead. No sudden recovery to send him back into the fray. He could feel deaths sweet kiss against his flesh and he welcomed it like the old friend that it is.

No.

He didn't want to die. He realized that he wanted to live. There were many reasons this desire to survive had come about but there was one that stood out amongst them. It pulled his will back from the crippled corner of his mind where it had been hiding. It filled his heart with purpose.

He made her a promise.

He will not die.

Not here.

Not now.


	2. In The Darkness

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

Chapter II

"Are we all here?" Tali asked Garrus softly, she had been staring out a window into space and hadn't been paying attention to the arrival of her friends even as they gathered around her. She glanced in his direction and he nodded once but Tali looked back to the window to watch the stars pass her by and pondered their meaning in this galaxy now that the war was over. Not just her own meaning for existing but for that of her friends and comrades in arms.

What was left for soldiers like us now that there are no more wars to fight? It seemed that rebuilding all that was lost was the only option. The Reaper threat had unified every intelligent species in the known galaxy under a single banner. All hostilities between the major governing bodies had been put to rest or temporarily buried. The 'Shepherd of Humanity' had rallied the most powerful military force in history to do battle with the most menacing force to ever threaten the galaxy. But it was never enough for Shepard to simply achieve a standardly defined military victory against the Reapers. Shepard had once confined in Tali his, somewhat perverse, redefined meaning for victory over the Reaper threat and it explained why he did what he did.

"_We cannot merely defeat them Tali, we have to make an example of them. We have to destroy them. We have to completely eradicate them all from memory, to leave no remnant of their endeavors, to crush utterly their achievements, and to remove from all record their every trace of existing. From such a defeat the Reaper's cannot recover. From such a defeat the Reaper's cannot harm us again. That, Tali, is the meaning of victory and that is what I intend to achieve."_

Tali released a slow breath of air that slightly fogged up the edges of her mask. She glanced at her omni-tool, the Normandy's air circulation ducts were putting out colder air than what the thermostat was claiming. She adjusted her suit's internal temperature to prevent her mask from completely fogging up. Suddenly the Normandy lurched to the side and Tali had to grab onto a rail to keep from falling as the ship's internal gyrostabilizers kicked into a counter rotary spin to bring the ship level again.

"I'll be right back!" Joker called out as he made his way to find out why his baby was acting up.

Tali knew why but chose to keep her mouth shut. She is a mechanic and a damned good one. She knows this ship inside and out, and better than Joker and EDI simply because Tali gets into the finer details than either of them. She knows why the air is coming out colder, she knows why the docking controls are sluggish, and she knows why the flight controls are touchy.

The Normandy is grieving.

The ship knows Shepard is gone, it knows they are all upset, and it is reflecting their emotions back in the form of troubled behavior. Tali knows, but will say nothing. Only Legion would understand, Tali looked over her shoulder at the Geth… but Legion was dead. The Geth fleet had sent a replacement as part of their endless gratitude for being given the closest thing they will ever have to free will. He looked so similar to Legion too; they could be brothers, twins even. Such a silly idea made Tali smile. The new Geth's name was Phalanx, not Legion, and held none of her Legion's memories. Tali will always have a nice, warm corner of her heart reserved for Legion but she had to move on, it was too depressing to think about.

Tali turned to face her friends just as Joker ran back onto the bridge and took his spot by EDI's side. She was suddenly hit by a wave of nostalgia that quickly drained away. Tali sighed as she looked at each of her friends in turn. Other than Joker, EDI, and Garrus; Tali counted eight others. Most of whom she was very good friends with and others who became friends through the completion of mutually beneficial causes.

"It's good to see you all again. I'm sure you've heard the news." Tali said and received a chorus of affirmatives and nods. With the exception of Phalanx who looked around at the others before raising a hand.

"Creator-Tali'Zorah, I am afraid I am unaware of any news. Please specify." Phalanx asked, he really did sound like Legion. Perhaps it was the Geth's intention to make his transition into their little family as easy as possible.

"Commander Shepard has been found alive." Tali said with a smile on her face. That part always made her happy, but everything else… Tali killed that strain of thought before she found a cold corner and curled up in a ball with nothing but her tears and a bottle of whiskey.

"Shepard-Commander is alive?" Phalanx asked quickly, clearly taken aback. This meant that word of Shepard's survival had somehow evaded the Geth collective, it was an interesting note.

"Three days ago Shepard was discovered by none other than Grunt here and taken the Jason-Matheson Memorial Hospital." Tali said nodding to the Krogan.

"I didn't know that was him at the time. I couldn't tell him from a pile of overcooked meat." Grunt said leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed.

"But he is alive, good." Phalanx said making a mechanical sound akin to cooling fan spooling up; it was a sigh of relief.

"Indeed, now I have good news and… bad news." Tali said holding out her hands palms up as if she was weighing the two. "What do you want to hear first?"

"I vote good news because I didn't like the way you hesitated before you said 'bad news.'" Joker said raising a hand. EDI followed suit along with most of the others.

"I don't know. I like to hear a bit of good news after the bad. Usually makes me feel better." James said bringing a nod of agreement from Miranda and Ashley. The only one who stayed silent and unmoving was Jack.

Tali watched them all debate but her eyes seem drawn to Jack and her stone wall emotions, it seemed a little uncharacteristic of her. Tali had always remembered the 'psychotic biotic' as energetic, highly emotional, though a little lacking in charisma but who was Tali to judge? They had all been through a lot so it's possible Jack's personality had changed a little. Jack was watching the others but seemed to feel Tali's inquisitive gaze as she looked over at her. They locked eyes for what seemed like eternity but Tali couldn't break eye contact. There was something about her that was different but Tali couldn't figure out what. Finally Jack looked away. Tali shook her head and got back to what's important.

"Alright, well since you all can't decide I'm going to just start with the good news." Tali said loudly so she could be heard over everyone. They all calmed down eventually and waited.

"Shepard is hurt, bad. His injuries include the following: he has lost both of his legs from the knees down as well as his left arm from the bicep down, two fingers on his right hand are gone, and his left eye has been crushed to pulp. Over eighty percent of his body has been burnt to a crisp to include all the way down to his lungs and stomach. Many of his organs have shut down resulting in his blood thickening and filling with toxins. Finally, he's suffered a spinal injury in which three of his disks have been crushed." Tali had to take a breath, it was a mouthful.

"Wait, hold on a second! _That_ was the good news?" Joker said in unnecessary shock.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Javik asked looking at Joker, "You're modern medical science should be more than enough to fix those problems, assuming he was recovered in time."

"Wow… that dumb beautiful bastard survived re-entry again? Bitchin." Jack said with a crooked smile.

"Tali, what is Shepard's current medical state?" Liara asked. Tali was about to reply but Jack cut her off.

"Blue, seriously. Did you not just hear what Tali said?" Liara gave Jack a frown and Tali interrupted their stare down before words were exchanged.

"He has been successfully stabilized and is undergoing surgery. His missing limbs, digits, and eye are already being grown by ex-Lazarus Project scientists, biologists, and synthetic engineers." Tali replied quickly.

"So what's the bad news then?" Miranda asked with an uncertain look, she leaned up against the wall by Grunt.

"Shepard suffered massive and widespread grey matter death. He won't…" Tali choked up as the next sentence scrolled through her head. She wrung her hands and looked at the deck, unable to bring herself to say what was next.

"Tali, are you okay?" Garrus asked taking a quick step towards her with a cautious hand extended but Tali waved him away. It was her report and it was her lover, she had to be the one to tell them.

"It's okay Garrus, thank you though." Tali sighed and gripped the railing that circulated the holomap but couldn't look at her friends as she said the next part. A tear fell onto her mask brining about the sudden realization that she had begun weeping. "Shepard isn't… My John isn't going to remember us."

"What do you mean Tali?" Ashley asked at length.

"The doctors… they said John's memories have been affected by the trauma." Tali said through sobs, she had one hand wrapped tightly around the railing and the other had found its way to her face, planted against her mask to hide her sorrow. "They had to cut off the top of his skull to allow his brain to swell or risk more damage. They said… Keelah, he might lose the last five years of his life!"

Tali broke down after she said it, her legs gave out and she fell to her knees and balled her eyes out. Stunned silence greeted her words of pain. What was there to say? What can be said? What false words of comfort could be uttered to counter the knife jammed in her heart? Tali begged for these words just to distract her troubled mind.

The words never came.

"Do we know… how long he will be in the hospital?" Liara asked slowly, she hesitated as she spoke with disbelief fresh on her face.

"At least four months... before he is… physically healed. His mind… his mind may never-" Tali couldn't finish that sentence because it sounded to final. She felt a hand on her shoulder and glanced up, it was Garrus. Someone else took her hand from the railing, it was Miranda.

"Come on girl, let's get you some rest." Miranda said with an almost understanding smile. Tali nodded and got up with her help; they left the others to their thoughts and made their way to Tali's quarters.

* * *

It's terrifying.

No light anywhere, dark, lost. His arms flailed in the void. The emptiness absorbed his movements, and everywhere he looks the darkness advances. Noises are worse, screaming and shouting, all of it sucked from his lungs without a sound. He can't remember where he is. He doesn't know why he's here.

He's suffocating in this world of broken dreams.

_"WHHYIZZTHIISSSPAAIN-"_

He thrashes, fiercely; something gives with a horrible crack. Sudden pain echoes in some distant, forgotten limb, blindsides the rest of his body seconds later. He can't scream, there's nothing on the inside to push out. There's nothing but the familiar darkness.

_"MMAKKEEEITTTSSSTOOOOPPP-"_

Something is jabbed into his throat. His tremors slow as the pain in his body simmers away. It was refreshing as the liquid coursed through his veins and filled him with calm.

"_BIGGFFUKKINNGGMMISSTTAAAAAKE_–"

Burning, painful and unbiased. Nothing's happening, something's supposed to happen, the burning continues, burns hotter. The feeling is small, then explodes in his mind. He recalls a word -_hospital_- the word is important, it applies to his situation somehow, but he can't remember what it means.

Everything's spinning, and everything's suddenly familiar and insane except for one thing, a half glimpse of a silhouette that brings peace to his pain-

_Michele?_

-and the burning's gone, the pain's gone, sweet oxygen flows into his lungs as he twists back to reality with her. She was here, always here, with him even now, helping him up, holding his hand, holding the needle, smiling at him warmly just like before-

It was one of those days where the sun is bright and the grass is warm. She was here, with him, even now in his tree house playing with his toys. He watched her play, she started with the blocks, grew bored, on to the plastic miniatures, grew bored, finally, she settled on the small ball that belongs with the jacks set.

"You have to go," he says, but he's too afraid to get up and stop her, "They might hear you."

"It's ok, we'll be fine, I promise." She tried to laugh, tried to pretend he didn't mean it. "Why are you always so mean to me?"

"I'm not mean to you."

"You are too!"

"You shouldn't be here."

"Why can't we just be friends?" She pleaded, still playing with the ball. She looked at the small rubber object in her hands. "We can play whenever you want!"

"No, go away. You can't stay here, you know that."

"I can, maybe… It has to work out between our parents, what they said. But we have to get along or they might send me back-"

She never finished, something terrible happened, but he can't remember. He never found out where she would go back to. But somehow he just knew what to say.

_Michele, I'm so sorry._

* * *

He slowly opened his eyes as a rush of tears escaped his eyes. Oh, God that memory. That _fucking NIGHTMARE! _It was the reason he couldn't sleep at night, the reason he left his cabin lights on at night, the reason he hated and feared the darkness.

He took in his surroundings as the horrible event that had occurred over two decades ago faded into the sweet abyss of vagueness. His body rested in a medical bed on a comfy mattress and soft pillows. He noticed that his right arm was in a cast and his neck was sore. It was bizarre but he didn't want to question it right now. He looked away to the machine on his left with cables and tubes plugged into his left arm.

He stared at his left arm for a long time. There was something off about it, something that didn't fit properly and brought a sensation of loss crawling up his spine. It was his arm, clearly, but he couldn't shake the feeling. However, the feeling wasn't centralized in his arm and he looked down at his legs. Sure enough they were there but… they just didn't _feel_ like they're his. The feeling of loss vanished as the door opened.

"Mr. Shepard, I'm glad you're finally awake. I came as soon as the monitors notified me." The lady said walking over to the machine. Shepard couldn't stop staring at her, his eyes wide and mouth ajar in complete and utter shock. "I'm nurse Haenna T'Lai and I'm going to run a few tests on you if that's alright?"

"You-" He coughed hoarsely as his voice came back to him, must've been a while. "You're blue?"

The nurse stared at him in confusion. "Um… of course Mr. Shepard, I'm Asari."

"I don't… know what that is." He coughed again and the nurse looked at him in concern. "I… I can't remember."

"I… uh… Mr. Shepard, what year is it?" Nurse Haenna asked as she stopped tinkering with the machine and looked at him expectantly.

"2184… why do you ask?" He watched her reaction and his gut screamed that something was dreadfully wrong.

"Mr. Shepard… the year… it's 2187…" Nurse Haenna said hesitantly.

"No, that can't be… that can't be right. There's no way…" He trailed off and looked away from the blue lady as his mind wrapped around the idea that he was three years behind.

Was he behind? What if he wasn't behind but he had forgotten? Before the nightmare… there was nothing but an endless ocean of pain and suffering as far as he could see. There were things out in this horrible ocean that might be of help. They were so far away… the ocean so deep, so thick… he didn't want to go looking.

Besides… what could he have possibly missed?

* * *

***NOTE*** Went through five different 'reawakening' scenes completely written out before settling with this one. Trying to get these out to you all in a timely manor but getting attacked almost daily takes up a lot of time and really gets in the way of my writing. - If anyone has read my small bio they'd know what I mean.


	3. The Lost

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

Chapter III

"What happened to my arm?" Shepard asked Haenna, she was fiddling with the wires and tubing coming from the machine and hummed in question. She looked over and Shepard held up his right arm, the cast fresh and the ache of his broken bone acute.

"You began muttering something in your sleep. I think it was a name, Michelle or Michael, one of those. You became agitated and started thrashing uncontrollably. I tried to restrain you but your arm came down hard on the bed's safety frame and, obviously, broke. I let you go and grabbed a powerful tranquilizer, reserved for Krogans mind you. It worked." Haenna said going back to her tinkering.

Shepard brought his hurt arm up and felt his neck tentatively. The bruise from the needle throbbed softly but it was just noticeable enough now that he realized it's presence that it will grow irritating. He set his arm back down and sighed.

"What happened to me?" Shepard asked looking over at the Asari nurse.

"Your friends are coming, they know more than me." Haenna smiled and left.

"I could really use some answers." Shepard said to the empty room. He glanced back up at the door but something was… off. The door was fuzzy, as if he wasn't wearing glasses, but he doesn't wear glasses. The fuzz leaked into the wall around the door slowly like a plague. Soon that entire side of the room was hard to see. It continued to spread until the entire room was engulfed in this blur. Colors merged into large blobs of blacks, whites, and greys until Shepard couldn't see a thing. His head began to hurt too. It felt like a massive weight was being slowly pressed down onto his head. Shepard groaned in pain and laid his head back onto his pillow.

"Answers to what?" A soft voice called out.

Shepard shook his head, his sight was back but the migraine remained. He looked to his right and found a little girl clinging onto the side of his bed trying to sign his cast with the fat marker in her hand. He stared at the small girl struggling to reach his arm; she couldn't be more than six or seven. Shepard wasn't entirely sure what was happening but he found himself sliding his arm over to the girl and she made a happy little cry as she began scribbling something down.

"Where are your parents?" Shepard asked as he watched the girl make slow precise lines as if this was the most important thing in the world. She giggled looking up at his prying eyes and used her other hand to block his view.

"No you can't look yet! It's not ready." The girl said avoiding his question. Shepard looked away with a groan as the migraine began violently shredding his insides apart. He just wanted it to go away.

"But I don't want to go away." The girl said looking up at Shepard. He cocked his head in question but the girl quickly jumped down from his bed and crawled up into a chair instead. Shepard held up his arm to read what the girl had written.

_-Get well soon, xoxo, Michele-_

"You're Michele- the same Michele from my dreams." Shepard said, it wasn't a question, he knew.

"Mmhmm!" Michele nodded in excitement, "You remember me!"

"I hate that dream."

"I know me too." Michele sighed and played with something in her hands; a little red ball.

"What happened to you? Where did you go?" Shepard leaned over on his right elbow, keen on hearing her answer.

"Why did you have to be so mean?"

"Where did you go?" Shepard insisted.

"You didn't like me; it didn't work with our parents." Michele turned the ball over in her hand and sighed. "We were sent away."

"But to where? Something horrible happened, something that was my fault- I need to know."

"I can't tell you."

"Why!?" Shepard slammed his fist into the bed frame and Michele jumped in surprise. "You've haunted me for years now! My own personal demon taunting me about something I can't remember."

"You're so mean to me." Michele looked away and stared crying softly.

Shepard sighed, his anger dissipating as quickly as Michele's tears fell. He stared at the poor little girl and his head ache seemed to fade slightly. He used this momentary lucidity to concentrate on attempting to remember… anything. He pulled our relevant memories from the dark abyss of his mind; fragments of conversations and half glimpsed images.

"You're not real, are you?" Shepard asked slowly.

"I used to be, but you didn't like me." Michele whipped her tears away and tucked the ball into a pocket.

"What _are_ you then?" Shepard asked softly, he didn't want to scare the little girl again- real or not. He loved kids; he had planned on having one or two someday… but with whom? There was some distant image floating in the corrupted ocean of his mind. A person who he loved dearly but he couldn't reach the image from so far away. He couldn't reach her and was suddenly depressed. He just couldn't remember. It was eating away at him.

Little Michele looked up with cold, knowing eyes. The child's gaze was greatly disturbed Shepard more than it should have. A familiarity gleamed from within that triggered this response and Shepard leaned away from her. He squinted and focused on her eyes. Why did he suddenly feel like this? What was- but of course-

She had his eyes.

"I am your lost memories made manifest by your broken mind. You created me to aid you in reclaiming what you lost."

"But why her?" Shepard said pointing and angry, accusing finger at Michele. His migraine was gradually increasing in pain. "Why did it have to be my demon?"

Michele cracked a crooked grin, "Who else would be more appropriate, more ironically perfect, than the one you left to die alone and forgotten?"

A commotion outside drew Shepard's attention and he looked at the door, his migraine vanished as the door opened leaving Shepard surprisingly refreshed and Haenna stepped inside. Shepard looked back at the chair but Michele was gone.

"Mr. Shepard, your friends are here." Haenna said moving over to his side with a clipboard and pen in hand.

"Commander, it's good to see you alive and well." The Turian said as he walked through the door. His face twisted into a grin, which Shepard thought might be hard considering the spider web scar that blemished the right side of his face, and stopped at the foot of Shepard's bed, crossed his arms and chuckled. "Well, alive at least."

Shepard didn't recognize the Turian but felt that he knew him. The feeling reminded Shepard of meeting an old friend that he hasn't seen in years. Can't recall the name, they don't even look all that familiar, but there's this vague sensation of recognition at the back of his head that let him know that, somehow, he knew the Turian.

A Quarian slipped around the Turian and came to Shepard's right side. She was wearing the traditional environmental suit with a gleaming face mask that had a soft indigo tint to it. She sat down in the same chair Michele had been in. Shepard watched her slowly, hesitantly, reach out to his hand and take it in hers. He allowed it simply because he was so fascinated by the way she was acting. Her gestures screamed of joy but her posture whispered of concern. She gently stroked his fingers with her thumb and stared back into Shepard's eyes. Though her mask is tinted and threw off much of the fine details of her face Shepard only needed to see the look in her eyes to read the hopeful glint in her iris and the anxious twitch at the corner of her eyelids. It led Shepard to believe that she valued him as more than just a friend. Perhaps they shared a life and death experience together and bonded in a way similar to that of battle brothers in war.

"How are you feeling, John?" The Quarian asked with the most beautiful accent.

"I've been better. If you don't mind me asking, who are you?" Shepard asked slowly. The Turian and Quarian looked at each other and then back to Shepard.

"Garrus Vakarian. I'm your best friend." Garrus said holding out his hand which Shepard took. He looked to the Quarian who was still rubbing his hand.

"I'm Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, your fiancé." Tali said squeezing his hand lightly.

"My- my fiancé?" Shepard looked at Garrus who nodded and then back to Tali. "I don't… I don't remember. I'm sorry.

Tali flinched as if stuck and her grip loosened on Shepard's hand. Her head tilted to the right and then down slightly; he saw a tear roll down her cheek. It was distinct against her pale flesh and he watched it slide down and out of sight. He felt Tali's fingers slipping away but an overwhelming sense of conviction came over Shepard and he gripped her hand tightly; he didn't want to let her go again.

_Again? Has this happened before?_

He can't remember but his gut instinct told him that Tali is more valuable to him than he could ever imagine. Shepard stared at the Quarian but there was no epiphany blasting in his head throwing images and memories at him; just the inkling sensation that he had to have her.

"I'm trying to remember who you are, I really am. I know you're important to me but I don't know why… I need some time to remember." Shepard said softly. His words restored some of her faith it seemed as Tali looked up quickly and smiled warmly.

"Pease remember soon." Tali leaned forwards and they hugged for a long moment. "I love you so much."

Shepard hugged her back with one arm and a delicious tingling crawled up his spine. He smiled into her shoulder and sighed happily. This felt… _right_. Shepard looked over Tali's shoulder and froze as he noticed the little girl hanging onto the back of Tali's chair clutching a little red ball and smiling ear to ear.

_I'm slowly losing my mind and I'm not sure I care._


	4. Theories

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Sorry this took so long to get uploaded, I've been having issues with the FF website; click on 'Doc Manager' and it would take 5 minutes just to tell me it timed out and to refresh. So here you go! Chapter 4; let's see just how twisted I can make this plot =)

* * *

Chapter IV

"Well, that went better than I expected." Garrus said once they were outside Shepard's room.

"How so?" Tali asked slowly, she wasn't really paying attention.

"If he lost the last few years of his memory he could've come back as an alien hating pro-Human racist trying to kill us; _me_ in particular." Garrus said following Tali to a bench and sitting down next to her.

"What?" Tali just now started paying attention and only caught the last few words, Garrus continued thinking she just didn't understand.

"Did you know Shepard used to be an Alpha Human?"

Tali whipped her head around and stared at the Turian. The Alpha Humans were an old terrorist organization that was fueled by the singular belief that Humans were in all forms superior to aliens. Their tactics, though extremely efficient, were more brutal than ever seen before and many people, Human and alien alike, called for action in removing the group from existence. Even mentioning the name was punishable by fine and possible imprisonment on certain Human and Turain controlled worlds where they were most active.

"_Our_ Commander Shepard? One of the most decorated men in the N7 Alliance and first Human Specter in history used to be an alien hating psycho killer?" Tali asked in utter disbelief.

"We were just talking at a club, this was a few days after we picked you up initially, and he confided in me _that_ particularly emotion grabbing detail. Of course, I thought he was joking but when he looked at me I could see the old hatred in those eyes. I know I'm better at reading people than that but he had buried it so deep that he always seemed sincere. He told me that when a person's been fed a certain amount of propaganda for ten years it becomes part of them. Imbed into their instincts and feelings. Every time he looked at me he'd wanted to rip my head off. Sure he had hated all non-Human life but with the whole Relay 314 incident the Alpha Human's held a particular grudge against Turians. Then he hits me with a curveball and tells me straight up that he likes you and needs advice." Garrus said but he stopped when Tali held up a hand.

"Wait, wait, wait; hold on. I guess I can see Shepard being an Alpha, Humans are known for holding grudges better than most and the Reapers are a prime example in Shepard's case, but he went to _you_ for relationship advice? Are you, what is the expression… pulling my arm?" Tali asked.

"It's 'pulling my leg' Tali, and yes he did. I must admit I was shocked and a little angry at first. He tells me he used to butcher my people in cold blood and then asks how he should go about letting you know how he feels." Garrus sighed and leaned back against the wall. "In the end, I helped him out because if he had fallen for a non-Human then he had to be changing on more than just one level. Heh, sounds like a bad romance novel: The Alpha and the Quarian. an _alien_ hating mass-murder falls in love with an _alien_."

Tali and Garrus laughed at the bad joke; at least he was cheering her up a little. She sighed and leaned back with him. "Garrus, I'm a mechanic. I can fix just about anything spacecraft related. John's mind isn't an engine with a burnt out fuel control card that I can fix in minutes. John's mind is… it's more complicated than I can even imagine. I can't fix him like one of my machines. I can't-" Tali stopped talking and held her head in her hands letting out a deep breath.

Garrus looked at her and patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry about Shepard's mind. That nurse seemed very competent."

"I hope she can help. I don't know what I'd do without him." Tali said as Shepard's voice echoed softly in her head. The promise he made days ago.

_He just couldn't forget._

_He had to remember._

* * *

"Mr. Shepard, do you mind answering some questions?" Haenna asked sitting in the chair next to him.

"Sure, I guess." Shepard said with a sigh.

"Alright, what is your name?"

"Seriously?" Shepard asked looking at Haenna with a raised eyebrow.

"They're all pre-made questions but I'd like for you to answer them all in some way, sorry." Haenna gave an apologetic smile and shrugged.

"John K. Shepard."

"Oh, um, what does the 'K' stand for?" Haenna asked as she scribbled something down.

"Kain."

"Alright, excellent. Now, when were you born?" Haenna looked at Shepard expectantly.

"April 11, 2154."

"Good, where were you born?"

"I was born in a small town called Barksdale here on Earth." Shepard replied as he went through the motions.

"What are your parents' names?" Haenna asked as she continued to scribble down notes. She flipped through some pages to check accuracy against his medical records.

"Eric and Lindsey Shepard."

"Are they currently alive?"

"No, they died in a shuttle crash when I was nine." Shepard sighed.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No." Shepard said and was surprised when Haenna did not continue. "Is that all?"

"Ah, no; it's just… you have a sister." Haenna flipped through some papers and turned the clipboard so Shepard could see it. She pointed to a specific part-

-Primary:** JOHN KAIN SHEPARD**

-Parents:** ERIC** / **LINDSEY SHEPARD **(deceased)

-Siblings:** MICHELE SHEPARD **(deceased)

Shepard breathed out sharply. This can't be right, that can't be right, this has to be wrong. His mouth opened to speak but no words came out. Haenna noticed and leaned forwards squinting her eyes slightly in a questioning gaze.

"Mr. Shepard, are you alright?"

"I-" Shepard forced out the word, "I don't have a sister. I never had a sister."

"Mr. Shepard it says right here-"

"I DO NOT HAVE A _SISTER_!" Shepard yelled and startled Haenna who jumped in surprise at his angry tone.

"Okay, I'll be right back." Haenna said with a nervous smile as she went to leave.

Nurse Haenna closed the door behind her and leaned up against it was a sigh of relief and noticed out of the corner of her eye that Shepard's friends were staring at her. The Quarian- what was her name again? Tali'Zorah vas… Normandy, that's it- stood up and seemed concerned. Haenna walked over to them and nervously tapped her pen against the clipboard.

"Miss Normandy, Mr. Vakarian," Haenna said nodding to them, "I think I know what's wrong, come." Haenna motioned for them to follow her. "We need to see Doctor Zephun over at Mental Health."

"What is your theory?" Tali asked expectantly, this was the first shred of good news she's heard since finding out Shepard was alive. They followed Haenna around a corner and to an elevator. "Keelah, elevators…"

"I'm sorry?" Haenna asked looking over her shoulder as she called the lift down.

"Nothing, nothing…" Tali said quickly.

"Anyways, I believe Mr. Shepard has in fact retained all of his memories, however, they've been buried under a particularly traumatic childhood event rendering them virtually inaccessible to his conscious mind." Haenna said as the doors opened. "I theorized that if we can get him to confront this event and accept his responsibility or lack thereof, then his mind will exit this lockdown state."

They waited for the elevator to take them to the third floor, slowly, patiently. Haenna glanced at Tali, her hands were shaking slightly and she balled them into fists and hid them behind her back once she noticed the Asari looking at her.

"Long story short, I hate elevators." Tali said firmly leaving no room for additional questions.

Haenna simply looked away and thought about what kind of mental trauma the Quarian had. Her paranoia could potentially lead to claustrophobia and delusions if left untreated; Haenna made a mental note about it but said nothing. She glanced at the Turian and her eyes were drawn to the large scar on the side of his face. It wasn't Haenna's intent to stare, but she adored scars to no end. The Turian noticed Haenna staring and smiled but said nothing; Haenna blushed smiling back but looked away quickly.

The elevator chimed and the doors slid open letting them disembark. Haenna took note of how quickly Tali escaped the confines of the elevator but, again, said nothing. Haenna led them down a hallway and to a simple door. She depressed a button on the wall and spoke.

"Nurse Haenna plus two for Doctor Zephun." Haenna took her finger off the button and waited. A buzzing sound blared suddenly and Haenna pushed the door open, the lock temporarily disengaged as the buzzer sounded.

They entered an office filled with flora of all kinds and a Salarian popped up from behind a large plant and came rushing around with a smile.

"Nurse Haenna, always a pleasure!" Zephun exclaimed slipping around plants and shaking Haenna's hand. "Ah, you bring me patients!"

Zephun took both Tali and Garrus's hand and shook them together. "Tell me, for how long have you two been having marital issues?"

"Marital- what? No, not us!" Tali said taking a step back and holding her hands up.

"No Doctor, that would be Tali and her fiancé Commander Shepard." Garrus said folding his arms.

"We do _not_ have marital issues! John has amnesia." Tali rebuked jabbing a finger at Garrus who simply shrugged.

"Ah, the great Commander Shepard has amnesia? I may be able to help." Zephun said waving his arms at some chairs half-buried by leaves and vines. They all sat down and watched Zephun look through some paper that Haenna handed to him.

"He denies having a sister entirely? Interesting." Zephun whispered as he flipped through Shepard's medical file next.

"John has a sister?" Tali asked in surprise.

"He's never mentioned her before." Garrus commented.

"_Had_ a sister, past tense." Zephun clarified and closed the thick file.

"I didn't- why wouldn't he tell me?" Tali asked in confusion.

"I believe that the event that triggered the memory block was so terrible, so unbelievable that Shepard's small, child mind couldn't comprehend what had happened and so his mind, being ever protective, decided to bury all evidence of it having ever existed in the first place." Zephun said interlocking his fingers.

"How can we help him?" Garrus asked.

"We need him to confront his past. It's going to difficult and extremely painful for him. He may even become violent." Zephun advised with caution.

"Let's do it then." Tali said standing up. "He _will_ remember or I'll _make_ him remember."

* * *

"Where are you?" Shepard asked the seemingly empty room. She was here, he knew it, could feel her presence. "We need to talk."

"We do, huh?" Michele asked peeking over the edge of Shepard's bed at his feet.

A weight pressed down on Shepard's shoulders and his head slowly began to throb painfully. He groaned as he watched her climb up onto his bed and sit by his knees. She smiled and tossed something at him; Shepard reached out and caught it in his right hand. The cast made it a little awkward but the object seemed to travel straight to his hand. He looked at it, a little red ball. It didn't look real though, fuzzy and warped in his hand the red coloring had a black taint to it and the ball looked wet almost as if it had been partially melted.

"What's wrong with the ball?" Shepard asked turning it over in his hand. "It looks like… It's dying."

"That's because it is, sort of… not really, but it's the idea behind it that counts." Michele said holding her hands out expectantly. Shepard felt his hand moving of its own accord and wound up tossing the ball back to the girl. "Think of it as your mind _right now_; confused and lost. It has lost its shine and become a wreck, it doesn't understand what's going on… but that's why you made me."

"Uh-huh, right, anyways, we need to talk." Shepard said in annoyance. These riddles were adding to the throbbing pain in his head and he wanted them to stop.

"We can't stop; it has to be this way." Michele said offhandedly.

"Read my thoughts one more time and, real or imaginary, I'll put a bullet in your head." Shepard said angrily. Michele sighed and looked at his sheets.

"You're _so_ mean to me, always so mean…"

"You don't exist so don't pretend to have feelings!"

"I used to! You _killed_ me!" Michele pointed an accusing finger at Shepard with tears in her eyes. He looked away and forced himself to calm down as he felt her tears impacting the sheets over his legs.

"I'm sorry, Michele. I don't remember any of it… and I'm not sure I want to." Shepard said softly, the ache in his head dropped a few notches.

"I know you don't want to, but you have to. You made a promise." Michele said hopping down to the floor, her eyes were still watery but the tears had stopped falling.

"When will you be back?" Shepard asked.

"Silly John, I'm part of you remember?" Michele said skipping around to the chair besides his bed and crawled onto it. "Bye, bye big brother. Talk to you later."

"Bye." Shepard said softly with a wave but Michele was already gone.


	5. Radical

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I'm glad that this story has been received well and I want to take a moment to thank you all for taking the time to read it, and for those of you who've reviewed I'll be responding to you now in according to the date submitted.

**Response**: Para-Cord – I'm glad you love it for there shall be more!

**Response**: Applejack – I love the enthusiasm, and yes he does owe it to her!

**Response**: kill-phil – (all reviews) – Thank you for your continuous support! This was just something I started thinking about after beating the game with the 'breathe' ending. I just thought, _what if he doesn't remember? What if he wakes up… and has no idea what's going on? What if he forgets everyone? What if he forgets Tali? _(Note: I _almost_ alwaysromance Tali so it made sense for this story)

Oh, his sister, yeah that was a shocker when it popped into my head I assure you. I wanted to make something along the lines of an alternate personality but I wanted it to be _so unnecessarily bizarre_ that no one would understand initially. So there's some mysterious event that occurred in Shepard's past, to be announced _very_ soon, which he couldn't handle so his mind locked up the memories, however they continue to haunt him in the form of nightmares (loved writing that whole scene). Now his mind, in a last ditch effort, has stored his 'lost' memories within the confines of the event. How will they retrieve them? Standby, it's going to be amazing.

Now as to Shepard being an ex-Alpha, I had literally written a massive chapter on his awakening and having him attack Garrus on sight but stop once Tali entered the room. Unfortunately, after weighing it in my head, I thought it might allow for too many 'lost' memories to be suddenly found all at once and then bam the stories over.

**Response**: WhiteDawn – I'm glad you are enjoying it! Stay tuned though, there is more to come… much, _much_ more.

That's all for now but I just want to thank you all again, all of the readers and reviewers, for supporting this little series. I greatly appreciate it.

Oh, if you'd do me a huge favor, please check out my two new stories Titan and Convergence. I'll be continuing them regardless as I have them pretty much completely written out on my cellphone and simply need to convert them to Word docs but feedback is always a plus.

* * *

Chapter V

"Who's in there now?" Tali asked coming up behind nurse Haenna. The Asari jumped in surprise but sighed in relief as she recognized the Quarian.

"Oh, Tali! You scared me." Haenna smiled in embarrassment but composed herself quickly enough.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." Tali said with an apologetic shrug.

"Anyways, to answer your question, the Krogan, Grunt I believe."

"Probably retelling the adventures of glory that they shared- oh," Tali paused as two of the largest N7 Alliance marines walked passed them and took up positions to either side of the door to Shepard's room. "Haenna, why are they here?"

"Protection." Haenna said and motioned for Tali to move with her to a desk with stacks of paper on it.

"Protection from whom?" Tali said in utter disbelief, "He saved the whole galaxy, why would anyone want to hurt him!?"

"No, no, no, Mrs. Normandy you misunderstand. It's my fault I should've clarified a little more. They're not here to protect him from harm but rather from his rapidly growing fan base." Haenna said with a knowing grin that sent an uneasy feeling up Tali's spine.

"I knew John had some fans out there but if it's gotten to the point where armed guards are required… Just how many are there?" Tali asked slowly.

"Well, considering that his fans span across all races in the galaxy I'd say… tens of millions?" Haenna said shuffling through the stacks of papers. "They really do worship him now."

Tali shifted her weight uncomfortably at the Asari's words. "They worship him? You mean like a God?"

"He single handedly destroyed the Reapers and saved the whole galaxy from extinction…" Haenna paused in her paper sorting and stared off in thought for a moment. She glanced at Tali when she noticed her staring, unmoving. Haenna coughed to clear her throat but said nothing; her eyes darted around quickly and her hands were shaking slightly making it difficult to sort through the papers.

"Do _you_ worship him?" Tali asked watching Haenna with caution.

Haenna butterfingered and dropped a stack of papers which scattered across the floor. She crouched down and rapidly began collecting them. Tali scooped up a few papers and handed them to Haenna.

"Thank you." Haenna said grabbing the papers from Tali. Haenna looked up and realized Tali wasn't letting go. She stared at the Quarian and Tali saw something in those ice blue eyes that made her even more cautious.

"You didn't answer my question." Tali stated slowly. Haenna took a deep breath to calm her nervousness and still her quivering hands. The look of unwavering conviction pierced into Tali's very soul and discomforted her greatly.

"I do; not as a God mind you but as the savior he is. We all owe him our very lives." Haenna smiled sincerely, "Mrs. Normandy, you have no idea just how lucky you are."

Tali was literally shocked into silence; she wasn't sure how to respond. How does someone respond to hearing that their fiancée has a cult following and is being worshiped like a mystical deity. Haenna must've taken Tali's stunned silence as shocked disgust as the Asari's eyes looked away, hollow and sad.

"I shouldn't have said anything- I'm sorry." Haenna turned away before Tali could explain that she was merely confused but the nurse disappeared through a door that shut behind her.

Tali sighed and lowered her head just as she felt a hand touch her shoulder. The sudden contact almost startled her but she remained calm though her mind was filling with questions.

"Oh Garrus, this whole this is getting out of hand-" Tali began turning but stopped short.

"I am not Garrus, Creator-Tali." Phalanx said removing his hand.

"Sorry, I made an assumption." Tali said with a long, depressing sigh.

"Never assume, always verify; it could save your life." Phalanx told her simply as he stepped aside so Tali could pass; though he followed her.

"How are you holding up Phalanx?" Tali asked trying to avoid the inevitable line of questioning as she took a seat on the bench near Shepard's room.

"I am well; concerned for Shepard-Commander, but well." Phalanx stated as he stood off to the side of Tali, he cocked his head. "You, however, are not well."

"Is it that obvious?" Tali laughed looking up at Phalanx

"You are fearful for Shepard-Commander, as you should be considering you are his mate, but you have recently been upset by something. I know my, sensors know."

"You _scanned_ me?" Tali asked feeling a little violated, she wasn't sure why that feeling slipped through her mind but she compared it to an intrusion of personal space and left it at that.

"Of course, it provides me with prior knowledge of an individual's current emotional and mental state so I may form a line of inquisition or dialog with minimal confliction." Phalanx said simply.

"I wish I could do that." Tali muttered.

"You are referring to your encounter with the Asari. Somehow you have upset her, I saw, and now you yourself feel upset for doing so; I do not understand this cause and effect." Phalanx sat down besides Tali and watched her.

"People are worshiping Shepard like a God; as if we didn't have enough trouble." Tali spat out angrily. "I have to put a stop to this false-idol worship garbage before it becomes problematic."

"You require information then." Phalanx said with a knowing nod.

"You where I can get what I need?" Tali was surprised that the Geth would know but just as Phalanx uttered the first syllable Tali realized just how stupid her question was.

"Liara-Friend can help, she is the Shadow Broker as I recall."

"Ugh, how could I've forgotten?" Tali whispered as she recalled a particular conversation between the Asari and herself aboard the Geth dreadnought that had revealed _very_ private, _very_ embarrassing information about her only a month or two ago.

"Phalanx you genius you." Tali gave him a quick hug but felt Phalanx stiffen up in her embrace. She looked at him and found him leaning back slightly and staring at her with what she thought to be extreme confusion. Tali let him go and stood up.

"What… just happened?" Phalanx stuttered after a moment and looked up at Tali.

"I gave you a compliment."

"Negative, I am referring to the… physical contact you made after; I do not understand." Phalanx said standing up as he watched Tali walk backwards towards the elevator.

"It's called a 'hug' and you'll be experiencing plenty of those if this pays off." Tali laughed and turned to the elevator. She hesitated for only a second as her finger hovered over the call button. "Keelah…"

"I- I think the experience was enjoyable, maybe. This requires much more time to process." Phalanx said to no one in particular as the elevator doors closed behind Tali. He sighed in bewilderment, "Organics."

* * *

Haenna locked the door to her small office and leaned up against it with a deep sigh. She reached up and wiped away a single tear before walking to her desk and taking a seat in the very comfortable chair that had been waiting to relieve her legs of their duty.

_How could she not be a believer? She's the Shepherd's fiancée! How can she not see it as I do; the great, beautiful light of His unquestionable magnificence?_

She felt herself becoming more and more upset as the thought about it and quickly stood up pushing her desk away from her and back against the far wall. Some medical files and documents spilled to the floor but she was too distraught to care about something as mundane as reorganizing paperwork.

Haenna got onto her hands and knees and bowed her head to the floor, touching her forehead to the cold tile, in front of a little hidden shrine. She took a deep breath and began whispering.

"Lord of Lords, King of Kings, God of God; forgive me of my trespasses and absolve me of my sins for I have committed wrongdoings against You, Your earthly spouse, and Your righteous covenant, the Children of the Herd. Hear my plea for sanctity, my Lord, as I beg of you Your sacred touch of forgiveness for I have done what is unintended and have said that which should remain unspoken. Hear me and understand Lord as I know not what I do and lead unto me Your chosen path so I may walk upon the distance set forth by Your guiding hand great Shepherd of Children."

_We should change that name, it is unworthy of a deity who is of us all._

Haenna thought about possible titles for the Shepherd but was coming up mostly empty handed; they all sounded decent enough but when she said them aloud it made her cringe each time.

She sighed with a frown but was reassured knowing that anything the Children of the Herd came up with would be smiled upon by the Shepherd; at least they would be trying and that's all that really mattered.

"You are of us all, Shepherd; one master of a united people to lead and protect." Haenna whispered to her small shrine dedicated to the living God laying in a medical bed not fifty feet from her now.

She reached out and ran a gentle, caressing hand over the hand cut wooden idol that represented the Children of the Herd and smiled happily. She picked it up, cradling it in her hands as if it was the most valuable thing in the world, and kissed it softly.

"I will be there when you remember, my Lord, and I will aid you in your beautiful ascent as you take your rightfully deserved place of God amongst your Children. You are ours as we are yours," Haenna whispered with a wide smile on her face as she hugged the idol tightly to her chest. "Shepherd of us all."


	6. Sometimes, Madness Finds You

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** the internet has been down for five (5) days in my zone. My apologies, but I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Oh, and do tell me if the end of this chapter is too eccentric and I will not continue that particular side story; it's just what happens when I have 5 extra days with which to lose my mind. _Enjoy_.

* * *

**Response**: WhiteDawn – My first thought during my editing re-read.

**Response**: WackyJack93 – I'm going to continue it and make it serious but I'm going to have it appear as more of a side story instead of having it take over the whole story… or something.

**Response**: Para-Cord – Thank you, strange and unpredictable is what I intend!

**Response**: Suffering Soldier – I do agree that I may have tossed in a few too many plot twists and to top it all off I'm going off on another side story with Phalanx. Also, I realized I just kind of threw it in at the end; that was bad on me as I was rushed. However:

"_Yeah, Shepard has done some amazing things, but there's reason why the major 3__  
__religions really took off after their key figures died, if you get what__  
__saying."_ – Suffering Soldier

Addressing the first part; yes indeed. I'm going off of a few things regarding his newly dubbed 'Godhood' and that's as follows: the sheer amount he has done for the people of Mass Effect, that fact that he had died and had been _brought back_ (a cornerstone in the determination of Godliness), and now he's saved the known universe from extinction. I just thought some people might take that as a sign that Commander Shepard was a little more than _just_ a good soldier.

Don't worry though; as I've stated in a previous response I will not be making this newly introduced head spin the plot and have it take over the story; I may just keep it with nurse Haenna and not introduce the rest of the cult at all. Have it available but not overwhelming.

Oh, and to respond to that second part:

"_but there's reason why the major 3__  
__religions really took off after their key figures died"_

"_religions really took off after their key figures died"_

"_key figures died"_

"_died"_

"_**died**"_

"_if you get what I'm saying"_

Don't worry, I do; I really, _really_ do.

* * *

Chapter VI

Tali had almost reached the shuttle headed for the Normandy when a voice buzzed over the comms. It was Doctor Zephun and he had requested her immediate return. She had sighed, her information gathering would have to wait, but she was reassured as the good doctor had explained that he had devised a plan on how they could go about getting Shepard to confront his childhood trauma.

That was an hour ago and now Tali was on another shuttle, though, headed to an entirely different location; where Michele died, the old Shepard farm in North Barksdale, hopefully it hasn't been blasted to ash during the war.

Looking around the shuttle Tali noticed that no one was holding any conversations and seemed to be all minding their business as if this was some awkward group event. She spotted nurse Haenna sitting beside Doctor Zephun and frowned; the Asari looked as if she hadn't slept the night before and was clutching something in her hand so tight that her knuckles had begun to change color.

Tali needed to talk to her something fierce and get this whole worship mess situated and explained; for all she knew this cult could very well be just a handful of people who lost too much and needed something, or someone, to fill the void… or it was about to become the most powerful religion to have ever been conceived by man and begin a galactic purge of non-believers. She sighed as the absolute negative danced in her mind. Tali would have to confront Haenna… _maybe later_, she lied to herself, _definitely later_.

"Tali?" A voice whispered beside her.

Tali turned to Shepard and felt infinitely better as his friendly smile warmed her heart and she smiled in return. She noticed there was something wrong with his eyes though; thin red veins were visible creeping out to his iris like small fingers.

"Are you alright? Your eyes are red, did you sleep alright?" Tali asked in concern. His eyes darted off to one side and Tali followed his gaze to the empty seats across from them; strange but Tali thought nothing of it.

"It's nothing Tali, really. Just a headache, that's all." Shepard said quickly with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I have to ask you something."

"Anything John."

"Where are we going?"

"John, I…" Tali began softly and tilted her head away sadly. She wasn't about to lie to him but Zephun had her swear to him that she wouldn't tell on the grounds that the knowledge of where they were heading may make Shepard distraught, may make him angry, violent even. So Tali said the only thing she could, the truth. "I can't tell you. Doctor Zephun said it might upset you. I'm sorry; please understand it's for your own good."

"We're going… you're taking me back to my old home, aren't you?" Shepard said it like a question but the tone in his voice told Tali that he already knew the answer, somehow he just _knew._

"How- how did you know?" Tali said straightening up as she followed his gaze, again, over to the empty seats. His behavior was becoming noticeably more erratic and bizarre; it was becoming worrisome. "What do you keep looking at?"

"Don't worry, it's nothing." Shepard said, but before he could continue Tali placed a hand on his shoulder.

"John, _please_ tell me. I understand if you have doubts about us. You don't trust me and I don't blame you for your reservations; but I love you and I would do _anything_ to prove it to you." Tali took Shepard's hand in hers but noticed a hint of hesitation on his part; the slightest tensing of muscles betraying his anxiety. He sighed and smiled weakly as Tali rubbed his shoulder with her thumb.

"Tali, I believe you because I see it in your eyes, I hear it in your voice, and I feel it in your touch. You do love me and I think I love you too, but this feeling has nothing to back its claim because I can't remember. However," Shepard paused and looked into Tali's eyes. She noticed that his eyes had become worse than before; the veins nearly enclosing the iris completely. Shepard's next words pulled her attention away, "I think I'm falling for you all over again."

Tali straightened up in pleasant surprise and let out a pent up breath she didn't know she'd been holding. Shepard pulled her in for a hug and Tali happily fell into his arms. She had become ecstatic with joy and was having a little trouble maintaining control with the overwhelming tide of endorphins rushing through her veins.

For just a second, on the furthest edge of her peripheral vision, Tali thought she saw someone sitting in the seats across from them; a little girl in a red dress with a smile stretching ear to ear. Tali turned her head to get a better look but in the second it took to twist around the girl had simply vanished, that is if she had even been there at all. Was that what Shepard had been glancing at this whole time? As far as Tali knew Shepard was a soldier not a biotic; he has never used biotics before. He couldn't have been projecting the image…

_Don't worry, it's nothing. Once John gets his memories back everything will go back to normal._

Tali cuddled in closer with Shepard suddenly concerned for her wellbeing. If Tali were to be honest with herself she'd say the feeling was strange and unnerving; she was fearful for Shepard but now she was fearful _of_ Shepard. She could only hope that his memories will come back quickly. She could only hope for this to all be over soon so they could get back to their lives together. She could only hope and pray.

_Everything. Will. Be. Fine._

* * *

Phalanx had just left the Jason-Matheson Memorial Hospital with Garrus as Tali rushed back inside. They had waved at each other and Phalanx had cocked his head to the side in confusion as he knew Tali had important information hunting to do. She had rambled on about someone named Doctor Zephun which brought a knowing grunt from Garrus who later explained who the man was to Phalanx. Afterwards, Garrus and Phalanx boarded the very shuttle Tali was about to take back to the Normandy and waited for Grunt to finish up with Shepard before Joker could take off.

"Friend-Garrus, as we have time to spare, may I make an inquiry?" Phalanx asked after a moment of, what organics would describe as, awkward silence.

"As long as it's not about my ability to calibrate the Normandy's gun system, go ahead." Garrus said with a nostalgic smirk that Phalanx didn't understand; if this was an inside joke then the Geth had been not made privy to the information.

"Your parameters are acceptable, friend-Garrus." Phalanx stated and leaned forwards with his hands clasped together and his elbows on his knees. "Due to an intriguing conversation earlier; I have decided to compile a data stack and I require information. Do you or do you not believe in, and what is your opinion of, religion and the supernatural beings that they are conceived around?"

Garrus shifted his weight uncomfortably and groaned in quiet regret. Phalanx noticed Joker twist in his command seat and look over with a raised eyebrow.

"Friend-Joker, same question." Phalanx said but Joker laughed and turned away.

"The display of amusement by friend-Joker concludes that he does not believe in religion or Gods; or he has misinterpreted my inquiry as humor." Phalanx stated and looked back at Garrus who was cringing slightly for reasons beyond Phalanx.

"Look, Leg-" Garrus suddenly slapped a hand to his face and sighed; he seemed upset. Though Garrus's mistake was blatantly obvious Phalanx somehow took it the wrong way.

"I do not mean to pry into matters that are too personal; please accept my apologies and disregard my inquiry." Phalanx said as apologetically as it was possible for him to. Garrus dropped his hand and waved at Phalanx dismissively.

"No Phalanx, don't be sorry. I'm the one who's sorry, I messed up." Garrus said before quickly answering the Geth's question to try and burry his mistake.

"Anyways, I am religious to an extent. I'm sure you know about the Spirits." Garrus said; relieved that Phalanx hadn't caught onto his slip of the tongue.

"Affirmative, the Geth Collective is informed of the Turian Spirits."

"I believe in the idea behind them but I doubt their existence. It's like… believing in luck or karma." Garrus explained, or at least he tried to.

"I understand." Phalanx said as he forced the pieces together in his mind.

"Ah, really?" Garrus was honestly surprised; Legion always seemed to have trouble with the purpose behind religion and how organics could so easily believe in something without physical evidence.

"Yes, the Spirits are nonphysical, potentially nonexistent, beings who interact with the physical world through influential potential that manifests as courage, intelligence, charisma, and the like; however, there is no true religion formed around them but rather a line of similar belief shared by the Turian race as a whole." Phalanx replied with a soft mechanical hiss underlying his speech.

"Sure, that, anyways," Garrus said rubbing his neck in bewilderment, "Why do you want to know this?"

"Creator-Tali has sparked my interest in the subject after she informed me of a newly founded religion that has been centralized around Shepard-Commander and his many achievements."

"Did he just say what I think he said?" Joker called out from the cockpit.

"Yeah, he did." Garrus replied in surprise; his interest was perked.

"I need to inquiry friend-Liara on the matter; she is the Shadow Broker and will be able to uncover more." Phalanx stated as he leaned backwards to glance out the shuttle. "Friend-Grunt approaches."

Grunt leapt aboard the shuttle with a laugh and collapsed into a seat emotionally exhausted. He was still laughing, though more quietly now; more of a chuckle. Garrus and Joker stared at him with raised eyebrows where Phalanx simply blinked a few times.

"Alright, listen to this." Grunt began as he composed himself. "So everyone tells me Shepard's lost a memory or two-"

"The total compilation of three years' worth." Phalanx interrupted.

"Oh calm your gears; anyways, I decided to have a bit of fun." Grunt started laughing again.

"Grunt, what did you do?" Garrus asked unwillingly.

"No, no wait, you're going to love it!" Grunt couldn't stop laughing as the memory played out in his head. "So I kick in his door and shout the loudest war cry _ever_ and come charging in at him!"

"You should've seen the look on his face!" Grunt was having a tough time breathing he was laughing so hard; he forced himself to calm down, "And then one of those N7 marines shot me."

"You've been _shot?_" Garrus exclaimed as he made to get up to check on his friend but Grunt waved him back.

"Garrus, I got shot in a hospital, I'm fine. Besides, that nurse… Hanna or Hannana-"

"Nurse Haenna." Garrus corrected.

"That's the bitch; nice enough to patch me up right then and there so I could talk to Shepard. I mean if I did just happen to go down in one shot it's not like I'd be going anywhere soon." Grunt said with a chuckle as he pounded his fist against his chest.

"Pardon, as I recall the term 'bitch' is used in reference to female canines and also as a derogatory term for female organics, correct?" Phalanx asked looking from Garrus to Grunt.

"So…?" Garrus asked slowly; he knew deep down what was about to come next and almost cracked a smile.

"The species Asari are gender neutral; how does the term apply?" Phalanx asked honestly.

"Phalanx… I will slap you so hard…" Grunt said looking away to try and control his annoyance. "Anyways, we talked about our past missions together-"

"What, he remembers you?" Joker asked form across the shuttle.

"Oh no, he has no clue who I am." Grunt said with a shrug. "He seemed to enjoy the stories and said he wanted me to come back sometime to tell him more; but then Tali made me leave."

"Well, that's nice." Garrus muttered in obvious jalousie.

"What, he didn't ask to see you again?" Grunt asked with a grin.

"Not in so many words."

"Garrus stop crying. We all know you have a raging hard-on for the Commander so I kind of see why your so much more upset than the rest of us, but you seriously need to pull yourself together." Grunt said pointing at him.

"I am not gay." Garrus said firmly.

"I never said you were." Grunt smirked

"Garrus is gay?" Joker asked to edge him on.

"I am _not_ _GAY!_"

"Friend-Garrus, how does being homosexual influence your spiritual perspective?" Phalanx asked.

Garrus growled angrily and punched the Geth in the side of the head sending him crashing to the floor; Grunt couldn't stop laughing. Joker laughed along and gunned the engines of the shuttle and pulled off the pad.

* * *

_They look so outlandish together. He's so perfect; this beautiful God made flesh, and she… well… run-of-the-mill comes to mind._

Haenna smiled at the thought even though she would have to repent for her insolence later. She leaned back into her seat and slipped the icon into her pocket and glanced over at the living God and smiled fondly; soon he will regain his precious memories and his ascent will begin.

_But that Quarian doesn't believe in His righteousness for some reason. How could she not believe, honestly?_

She couldn't fathom it; at all. He's clearly a God; there's so much proof, so much physical evidence and yet Tali _still_ doesn't believe in His sanctity. She might be a problem, might try to prevent His ascent; Haenna couldn't allow that.

No, Haenna couldn't allow that at all. However, as a Child of the Shepherd she just couldn't assume that Tali would influence His choice in this matter. Then again… He would trust in her and value her opinion, possibly, more so than His own Children.

This is a delicate predicament Haenna has found herself in.

_I'll just have to wait and see…_

Haenna sighed clutching the icon in her pants pocket and closed her eyes to pray silently. Her mind was conflicted with too many possible outcomes and she needed guidance. She prayed, and she prayed, and she prayed. It made her feel better and calmed her thoughts but it wasn't enough this time. She couldn't get over the worst possible outcome if Tali were to intervene.

_The rejection…_

* * *

Phalanx left Garrus alone for the remainder of the flight with the exception of making a formal and well thought out apology; after the Turian calmed down of course. It was an honest apology that came from the heart, or… well, his central cogitator anyways, but what's important is that Phalanx was sincere.

At one point Tali dropped them a line to let them all know about Doctor Zephun's plan and where they'll be headed; this was roughly three minutes before Joker docked the shuttle in the Normandy's landing bay. Phalanx was curious and wished he'd have been able to take part as his knowledge on organic psychology is virtually nonexistent. However, Phalanx had another directive and decided to persue it before taking the time to relax and run diagnostics; he had found his own behavior disturbing.

The Geth wandered the Normandy looking for Liara as she was nowhere he had initially expected; not her room or the lab. Phalanx still wasn't too knowledgeable in regards to the Normandy and its crew but he found his way about well enough; it also helped to map his rout with a continuous scan. Eventually, he found Liara on the bridge talking with EDI. Phalanx waited off to the side to let them finish up; Joker slipped by and jumped into his seat. EDI bid Liara farewell and went to her place at Joker's side.

"Friend-Liara, I require your expertise." Phalanx said stopping the Asari before she could walk away.

"Of course Phalanx, how can I help you?" Liara smiled and asked if he would mind if they sat down; Phalanx actually preferred it. They found a small table and sat down around it.

"You are the Shadow Broker and have access to much information. May I bother you to find something for me?" Phalanx asked.

"That depends on what you're looking for." Liara replied tactfully; neither agreeing nor disagreeing but maintaining neutrality.

"Any and all information relevant to a specific religious cult."

"Well that's easy; I just need to know what the God or Deity is that this cult worships." Liara said interlocking her fingers and setting them on the table; she leaned forwards in curiosity.

"Shepard-Commander." Phalanx replied.

"What about the Commander?" Liara shook her head in confusion; Phalanx blinked a few times as he figured out what went wrong.

"Negative friend-Liara, the God this cult worships is Shepard-Commander." He clarified his request but Liara simply stared at him with shock clear in her eyes. "Friend-Liara, are you well?"

"Yes…" Liara began slowly as she processed the Geth's statement. "This isn't a joke is it? Did Joker put you up to this?"

"Negative friend-Liara, it is by request of friend-Tali who had informed me upon the discovery of this said cult." Phalanx said and suddenly felt a rather strange compulsion come over him; for some reason Phalanx felt that friendly physical contact would aid in his persuasive efforts. He hesitated, the feeling was alien to him, but after a second of thought Phalanx reached out and placed a hand on Liara's and gave them a light squeeze. "Will you accept this request, for me?"

"Ah… yes." Liara said after a long moment. She noticed that even after agreeing to look into the cult Phalanx was still holding her hand. "Phalanx, you can let go now."

"Of course, my apologies; I am still getting used to implementing physical contact as a means of aiding verbal conversation. These new upgrades will take time to interpret and properly implement." Phalanx said cocking his head to one side and sliding his hand away slowly. "I- I must admit… The physical contact has developed meaning and the emotional responses I feel are on so immense a level that it bogs down my processor something fierce."

"Wow… Phalanx I don't know what to say; congratulations." Liara leaned forwards and patted him on the shoulder.

"Thank you, friend-Liara, I appreciate your interest in the matter." Phalanx said standing up; he held out a hand.

Liara smiled taking his hand and he helped her up. "Thank you Phalanx. I… like this new you."

"Thank you again, friend-Liara. I… I feel good." Phalanx paused for a moment and looked down. "Friend-Liara… you can let go now."

Liara blinked as she realized she was still holding his hand though his fingers had gone slack. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's alright… it was nice." Phalanx said as Laira let his hand go. They stared awkwardly at each other before Liara took a breath and clapped her hands together.

"Well, I better get going." Liara said moving around Phalanx; her hand brushed against his by accident. She hesitated before quickly walking away without another word.

"I am… confused. Organics…" Phalanx sighed and walked off with much to think about.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: And herein falls to madness. The extension that lies after this note may be too fantastic and strange for some readers not expecting this story to wind down certain roads. I still recommend the read just for the sake **_**of**_** the read.**

**This would be as a replacement for the scene where Phalanx meets with Liara to discuss Shepard's cult following. Keep this in mind. Let me know what you think, I may create a new story around this depending how it is received. Enjoy.**

"Friend-Liara, I require your expertise." Phalanx said stopping the Asari before she could walk away.

"Of course Phalanx, how can I help you?" Liara smiled and asked if he would mind if they sat down; Phalanx actually preferred it. They found a small table and sat down around it.

"You are the Shadow Broker and have access to much information. May I bother you to find something for me?" Phalanx asked.

"That depends on what you're looking for." Liara replied tactfully; neither agreeing nor disagreeing but maintaining neutrality.

"Any and all information relevant to a specific religious cult."

"Well that's easy; I just need to know what the God or Deity is that this cult worships." Liara said interlocking her fingers and setting them on the table; she leaned forwards in curiosity.

"Shepard-Commander." Phalanx replied.

"What about the Commander?" Liara shook her head in confusion; Phalanx blinked a few times as he figured out what went wrong.

"Negative friend-Liara, the God this cult worships is Shepard-Commander." He clarified his request but Liara simply stared at him with shock clear in her eyes. "Friend-Liara, are you well?"

"Yes…" Liara began slowly as she processed the Geth's statement. "This isn't a joke is it? Did Joker put you up to this?"

"Negative friend-Liara, it is by request of friend-Tali who had informed me upon the discovery of this said cult." Phalanx said and suddenly felt a rather strange compulsion come over him; for some reason Phalanx felt that friendly physical contact would aid in his persuasive efforts. He hesitated, the feeling was alien to him, but after a second of thought Phalanx reached out and placed a hand on Liara's and gave them a light squeeze. "Will you accept this request, for me?"

"Ah… yes." Liara said after a long moment. She noticed that even after agreeing to look into the cult Phalanx was still holding her hand. "Phalanx, you can let go now."

"I-" Phalanx quickly pulled his hand away and stood up awkwardly which toppled his chair but he managed to catch it before it crashed into the ground. Liara stood up with concern for Phalanx's erratic behavior. "Sorry, Liara, I'm sorry."

"Phalanx!" Liara grabbed his hand before he could leave; oblivious to the fact that, for the first time, Phalanx had omitted the designator prior to saying her name. Phalanx stopped in place as Liara's touch froze him in a half-turn but he refused to look back.

What is happening to me? All of these illogical thoughts and data streams are bogging down my core processor! These feelings I'm suffering… they taste organic in nature. They taste…

I feel a pain within me. It feels old and malicious. It's a hurt from before this life, before this body. This pain eats away at my soul- no, I do not have a soul I am a machine… right?

Is this part of the upgrades? Is this what we were given? The key to artificial emotion, or is this evolution?

I feel the heat of anger, I feel the cool embrace of camaraderie, I feel…

Phalanx slowly turned to Liara and looked down at her hand gripped tightly around his. He closed his fingers around hers and let out a soft hiss of static; Phalanx looked up at Liara and his shoulders dropped slightly as he recognized fear in her eyes. Not fear of him but fear for him; his behavior was uncharacteristic and he knew it. Phalanx didn't like seeing her upset and realized that all of these feelings were screaming one thing; one insanely bizarre and impossible thing.

"Liara I-" Phalanx's hands were shaking but that wasn't possible; this was not right; this isn't supposed to be happening. His head was swimming and he actually felt dizzy causing him to stumble into the table; Liara tried to arrest his fall, sweet little thing trying to help, but his mass was too great for her. Phalanx crashed into the table regardless, denting it, but caught himself with a shaking hand to prevent it from cracking in half. Liara pulled him back as best she could and pushed him back into the seat he had been sitting in.

"Phalanx? Phalanx, are you alright?" Liara asked though the obvious was clear. "Phalanx tell me what's wrong!"

Can't focus… Can't think… Data stream overwhelmed…. Core processor failing… Liara, I lo-

* * *

/FATAL ERROR DETECTED

ANALYSIS… CRITICAL SYSTEMS UNABLE TO MANAGE LOAD DEMAND

||| WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! |||

- - ALLOWING SYSTEMS TO FUNCTION AT CURRENT CAPACITY WILL CAUSE IRREPARABLE DAMAGE - -

RECOMMENDATION… IMMEDIATE EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN

/RECOMMENDATION ACCEPTED

UNIT SHUTTING DOWN… DIAGNOSTICS COMMENCING

* * *

Phalanx whipped his head around and stared at Liara; he wanted her face to be that last thing he sees. Phalanx blinked one last time before his eye flickered out and his body shutdown. Hydraulics hissed as they settled and gear assemblies whined softly as they were forced to rotate without power; he entered a repair state.

"Phalanx…" Liara backed away in utter terror as Phalanx seemingly died in front of her. She stared mouth agape and on the verge of tears as the motionless Geth stared at her with his dead eye. "Oh Goddess…"

* * *

EDI was the first to respond to the screams.

She found Liara backed against a wall with tears streaming down her face and terrified out of her mind. Joker rounded a corner and pulled Liara away while EDI checked on Phalanx to confirm what Liara had been rambling about. EDI returned after a few minutes and set a hand on Liara's shoulder, she flinched.

"Liara, don't worry about Phalanx. He's not dead." EDI said with a reassuring smile.

"He's not? Are you sure?" Liara asked quickly wiping her tears away, "He just, I mean he just, EDI I watched him die."

"He's just… sleeping. His body has entered a form of comatose rest state; he'll be fine, I think." EDI replied sitting down besides Liara and Joker.

"You 'think?' EDI what happened to him? He was trying to tell me something can you find out?" Liara's anxiety wouldn't leave her. Phalanx had tried to tell her something and she had to know what it was.

"I'm sorry Liara but to invade Phalanx's systems while they're undergoing repairs could cause an unknowable amount of damage and trauma; he could never wake up."

"Are you sure? You can't just look?"

"Liara I'm pretty sure EDI knows robots so just take her word for it." Joker said in EDI's defense.

Liara looked at them both and sighed; she thanked them for their aid and asked to be alone. Joker and EDI looked at Liara with concern but respected her wishes and left. After a moment Liara stood up and glanced around the corner at Phalanx. He hadn't moved, hadn't budged an inch, and it troubled Liara to no end; she just wanted him to wake up.

* * *

PROCESSING… PROCESSING… PROCESSING…

/DIAGNOSTICS COMPLETE

ANALYSIS… DATA FRAGMENTATION CONDENSED/RECOVERED, SELF-GENERATED SYSTEM UPGRADES COMPLETE/IMPLEMENTED

RECOMMENDATION… ACTIVATION FOR REMEDIAL LIVE TESTING

/RECOMMENDATION ACCEPTED

ENGAGING CORE PROCESSOR… SUCCESS

ENGAGING SECONDARY SYSTEM PROCESSORS… SUCCESS

ENGAGING CORE MEMORY BANKS… SUCCESS

ENGAGING SUBSIDIARY MEMORY BANK RESERVES… SUCCESS

ENGAGING COLLECTIVE UPLINK… FAILED

CAUTION! CAUTION! CAUTION!

- - UPLINK REQUIRED FOR JOINT COMMUNICATION - -

/IGNORE AND CONTINUE

ENGAGING COLLECTIVE DATA STREAMING… FAILED

CAUTION! CAUTION! CAUTION!

- - DATA STREAM REUQIRED FOR JOINT INFORMATION FLOW - -

/IGNORE AND CONTINUE

ENGAGING OPTICAL SIGHTS… SUCCESS

ENGAGING DIRECT AUDIO COMMUNICATION… SUCCESS

ENGAGING MOTOR FUNCTIONS… SUCCESS

- - ENGAGEMENT PROTOCOLS SUCCESSFUL - -

/ACTIVATING UNIT

* * *

Liara sat at one of the many computers scattered about her lab, intent on uncovering the mystery behind this cult of Shepard's. There really wasn't much to find apparently; her sources came up mostly empty. It was strange and disconcerting but Liara pushed on regardless.

"Why can't I find anything?" Liara whispered to the computer.

She decided to try one last route, an old friend who owed her a favor, before calling it a day. She typed up an email, with triple encryption of course, and sent it out with all haste. Hopefully he wasn't already previously engaged and could get back to her soon.

She needed this information quickly; she owed it to Shepard for all he's done for her, all the times he's backed her up and supported her… He was like the older brother Liara never had and she loved him like one.

Then there was Tali'Zorah, the mechanic with the magic touch; Liara smiled and shook her head as the humorous memory snuck up on her. She sighed as she reminisced on the past and leaned back into her chair. Did she owe Tali? Probably, after a few too many personal remarks she's made in the Quarian's presence after learning about them through her trade it all added up in the end.

_And then there was Phalanx._

Liara was at war within herself over the Geth and was unsure what to think anymore. She liked him, to be honest, and enjoyed his company whenever they happened to be together. He had this bizarre way of creating humor by accident; usually causing small incidents for which he'll apologize for after. However, she didn't owe him anything and he didn't owe her anything; which left Liara puzzled as to why she felt so compelled to aid him because _he_ asked her to. Phalanx had been changing ever since he'd joined their little team, his personality was growing more and more complicated; suddenly the changes became rapid, drastic, and his behavior had intrigued her.

_Almost Human._

Like, not hours ago, when he had touched her hand, grabbed her hand, sending her physical messages instead of vocalizing his intent. Then he had tried to tell her something, something that had struck fear into him, but what? His hands had been shaking,_ his hands had been shaking!_ Phalanx was experiencing classic nervousness, something Geth are not supposed to be capable of feeling. How is it possible? Unless…

"Phalanx…" Liara whispered aloud as she filled in the blanks.

"Yes, Liara?"

"Phalanx!?" Liara whipped around in surprise and, low and behold, there was Phalanx standing in the doorway; he walked over as Liara stood up off-balance but held onto her chair.

"I see you've started looking into the whole cult deal." Phalanx said looking at her computer and then at the papers scattered around the terminal desk.

"I have but there's little evidence of anything so far. I mailed a friend, he might know more." Liara followed his gaze but looked back to him quickly. "What happened to you?"

"It's complicated," Phalanx said shrugging before turning to face Liara. "I couldn't comprehend what I was feeling; the emotions that took hold were so far beyond what I could process that my systems began slowing down to the point where they couldn't function. They simply began emergency shutdowns until I couldn't sustain myself. It felt like I was trying to walk in mud that was slowly building until it reached my knees, then my waist, then my chest, until I was submerged entirely. "

"I- ah, wow Phalanx… that was very figurative." Liara didn't really know what to say. Phalanx was speaking like a regular person; no more 'affirmatives,' 'negatives,' 'friend-so and so,' it was enjoyably different.

"Thank you Liara, that's very kind of you to say." Phalanx said; pleased that Liara enjoyed his newfound humanity.

"You're not going to… do what our legion did? Right?" Liara raised an eyebrow and gave him a apprehensive glare.

"No, I couldn't even if I wanted to, which I don't." He reassured her.

"But I thought all Geth were connected to the Collective?" Liara asked crossing her arms.

"My uplink was fried as my systems were forced to upgrade themselves to cope with the organic emotions that came from the Reaper code Legion had given us." Phalanx said tapping his head with a finger.

"Oh my, what's it like now?"

"Very quiet, very calm; it's as if an ocean of jabbering madness has suddenly been laid still." Phalanx said softly and glanced away. "It's lonely…"

"You're not alone here Phalanx." Liara said keenly as she laid a hand on his forearm and was surprised by the warmth coming from beneath his metal frame.

"I know, it's just," Phalanx paused to take her hand from his arm and held it gently, almost passionately. "I have the Normandy, the crew, the team… I have this home with my family but I'm not complete. I'm missing something."

"What are you missing Phalanx?" Liara asked as she held her breath.

"Liara I-" Phalanx hesitated and looked down and away slightly, he whispered, "This feeling is nothing I've ever experienced before. I'm afraid…"

Liara reached up and placed a hand against the side of his head and he turned into her touch looking back into her eyes. "What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid… of how you'll react when I tell you." Phalanx said tilting further into Liara's hand as she ran her fingers down the curve of his head.

"Tell me Phalanx." Liara was on the edge of her seat, figuratively of course, and realized she was just as afraid as he was.

Phalanx laid a hand against the one Liara had on the side of his head. "Liara?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Keep in mind that this is _not_ part of the main story just something I started thinking about and wanted to put down into words. Hope you all enjoyed it!


	7. Absolute Loss

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

Chapter VII

* * *

**Response:** WhiteDawn – I'm glad you enjoyed my attempt at comedy! As for the Asari, well… fun things to come.

**Response:** SilentPony – Sorry for the confusion. That last bit after my second note was merely to be read as a replacement for the Phalanx x Liara encounter. I am considering making that into its' own story. Oh, don't worry about a 'lame' ending; I'm doing my absolute to prevent that.

**Response:** JohnM7Spartan182 – I'm glad you are enjoying it so far! I understand what you are saying and since enough people are suggesting the same I do believe I will create another story based on the Phalanx x Liara.

**Response:** LordCybot – Not too many were as intrigued about the whole cult idea as I was, but no matter the story must go on! Oh, and yes I will begin work on your requested story. Expect chapter I around this upcoming Wednesday through Friday. As I mentioned in the story summary, though not very explicit (my bad), I am simply adjusting the ending to suit me; therefore the Geth are still around and the Mass Relays are merely temporarily disabled.

* * *

"Attention all personnel, attention all personnel; five mike to destination." The pilot's voice came over the comms a little fuzzy but otherwise understandable.

The Two N7 Alliance Marines sitting at the rear of the shuttle pulled out their rifles from under their seats and readied themselves. Tali watched them from Shepard's arms; he had held her for the rest of the trip and Tali had enjoyed the attention. She frowned at the presence of the Marines, they had slipped onto the shuttle unnoticed only moments before takeoff; they shouldn't need escorts, the war was supposed to be over, but apparently the N7 Alliance thought differently. However, with a quick, unwilling, glance at Haenna, who was glaring back, Tali was suddenly thankful for the Marine's company.

Tali felt the shuttle vibrate as the landing gear was dropped and sat up to put on her harness. Shepard was reluctant to let her go but a quick update by the pilot informing them of a rough landing to come changed his mind; safety first after all.

"How are you feeling?" Tali asked as the shuttle was buffeted by a strong wind.

"Better I admit, but still conflicted. I hope the Doctor's theory is correct." Shepard said taking hold of Tali's hand once she had finished strapping in; he smiled. "I have a feeling he is."

The shuttle landed hard, just like the pilot promised, stressing the hydraulic struts but causing no damage. A side door hissed open and a small ramp rolled out with it but the Marines were already in the waist high grass before the door had opened all the way. The two fanned out in opposite directions keeping low in the tall grass and searched for hostiles. It took a few minutes but they eventually called in the all clear so everyone could disembark.

Shepard hobbled down the ramp but with Tali's help; his legs were shaking something fierce. Technically he's never used these legs until now, he had been rolled out to the shuttle in a wheelchair, and they still needed to be broken in. Shepard grunted as a slight, but sharp, pain jolted through his calves and into his thighs, he stumbled.

"Ah, fuck!" Shepard cursed as his legs twitched unintentionally. Tali held him upright with one of his arms over her shoulder for added support.

"Mr. Shepard, here." Haenna walked over taking a small syringe out of her pocket and pulled off the plastic guard.

"What is it?" Tali asked; she was almost suspicious.

"A numbing agent based off of morphine. It will sooth the pain but still allows the individual to continue functioning without the drug affecting their judgment." Haenna said rubbing a sterile wipe in a small circle on Shepard's arm before tightly wrapping a rubber tube just above the elbow and tying it off. "I figured there would still be some weakness so I brought a few of these along."

Haenna glanced up at Shepard and smiled shyly before slowly slipping the needle into his flesh. He was important to her and she took extra care in his treatment. Of course, she already takes pleasure in aiding the wounded and helping others, it's why she became a nurse after all, but being able to lay hands on a living God? Specifically, the same God she believes in? That was pure ecstasy.

"There you go. You should be feeling better in a minute or two." Haenna said pulling the needle out; she capped it and slipped it back into her pocket. A small drop of blood began to form on the hole the needle made so Haenna pressed a gauze ball to it and taped it down.

"Much appreciated." Shepard said with a nod.

Haenna wanted to give him a hug; embrace her God intimately. Instead, she simply smiled and nodded. However, before Shepard limped away with Tali holding him up Haenna shot a hostile glare at the Quarian. Tali flinched and turned away quickly; Haenna smiled again, though this time it crept up the left side of her face and turned into a feral grin.

Once Shepard stepped into the soft grass he insisted that he move under his own power claiming that the modified morphine shot was working, it wasn't. He stood still for a moment running his fingers through the waist high grass and felt something brush by his thigh.

"Hurry up John, hurry!" Michele cried as she skipped through the grass towards his old tree house, laughing all the way.

"Michele?" Shepard muttered as he felt himself turning to follow her.

"What's that Shepard?" Tali asked as she anxiously watched him take shaky steps towards an old, rickety tree house.

"John, come on! You have to hurry!" Michele insisted and began to climb up wooden ladder to the tree house.

Shepard leaned into a shambling jog but felt himself grow stronger as his new muscles found their potential. He reached the tree house as soon as Michele slipped inside with a giggle.

Tali and the others were chasing him; the N7 Marines kept pace with the small group and to either side, always watching. However, Shepard couldn't wait for them so he began climbing.

Shepard entered the dim confines of the tree house and frowned at its disrepair. He crawled in and sat down looking around; toys, comic books, coloring books, and so on. One particular toy caught Shepard's eye, a set of jacks missing the ball, and he looked up as movement caught his eye.

"Took you long enough!" Michele said jokingly as she began playing with the jacks; she had the missing ball clenched in her hand.

"Why are we here?" Shepard asked as he watched her play: one jack, two jack, three jack, four...

"That's a good question. Why are we here John?" Michele asked pushing the jacks and ball to him and motioning for him to try.

"I thought you would know since you knew we were coming here." Shepard said taking the jacks and laying them out in front of him.

"You forget silly. I am you, sort of." Michele giggled and clapped as he began the task of bouncing the ball and collecting a jack before the ball came back down.

"Then how did you know we were coming here?" Shepard asked as he managed two jacks before butter fingering and letting the ball get away; he sighed and passed them off to Michele.

"Because you knew, deep down you knew." Michele said as she set up the jacks. "This is the only place we could end up."

"Okay... So how does being here help me remember?" Shepard asked in slight irritation. Michele snatched the ball out of the air and tossed it quickly to Shepard.

"Do you trust me?" Michele asked with a rather sneaky grin.

"I- uh, sure?"

"Then pay attention." Michele lunged forwards and pushed Shepard out of the tree house.

Everything slowed down.

Everything...

Slowed...

Down...

Shepard looked over his shoulder as he made his sluggish descent, crushing darkness welcomed him. Something glinted of steel from the deep, grew larger, more clear; a gaping maw of fangs and iron swam up for the easy meal and growled hungrily. It sounded drawn out and false in his ears... Because it wasn't real sound; it was coming from inside of his head. The large mouth opened and swallowed him.

Shepard landed hard on his back. He groaned under the impact, it would leave a bruise or two, and rolled onto his side just to get off the fresh wound. Shepard sat up slowly and looked around, flinching as he rotated his torso, and tried to understand.

The ground was cold and hard beneath him, unlike the soft warmth of the tall grass back home, and made of worn cobblestone. It wasn't just stone beneath him but a path of do or die. There was simply nothing as far as the eye could see in any direction but the winding path before him. Simply darkness with no boundaries, and yet the path was clear as day and visible for miles.

Shepard looked behind him but the path simply ended mere inches from where he sat. He backed away from the path edge and stood up slowly. He turned back to the path laid out before him and let out a breath, it frosted before him but it didn't feel cold.

"Where am I?" Shepard asked the darkness but there was no response.

"Michele?" He looked around expecting for her to appear out of thin air before him and begin explaining all of this through riddles but she didn't respond.

Shepard looked back to the path and took a wavering step to begin his journey into madness. Suddenly a sound could be heard just on the edge of hearing...

_Laughter..._

It sounded older than Michele though but it was definitely her.

"Michele? Is that you?" Shepard asked cautiously as he looked around trying to pull detail from the darkness.

He turned to look down the path... But it was gone. Instead he was back on the old farm standing on a well-kept yard and watching two little kids chase each other around a tree with a tree house in it. They were familiar.

"That's because it's us." A voice said from beside him.

Shepard whipped his head around, almost painfully so, but it wasn't who he was expecting. "Michele, is that you?"

"Hey Johnny, been a long time." A full grown Michele said looking over at him with a soft smile. She was tall, but Shepard was still almost a head taller, with flowing dark hair and hazel-green eyes that shined with an inner light that whispered of ancient wisdom. There was something different about her though, she appeared fuzzy, almost hard to see, and it irritated his eyes trying to focus on her.

"You've certainly grown up. You look… amazing by the way." Shepard said slowly as Michele blurred out slightly before snapping back into focus.

"Thank you," Michele said smiling as her cheeks flushed; she giggled and looked back to the younger versions of them playing on the lawn. Shepard smiled and followed her gaze.

"Is this... A memory?" Shepard asked; the kids had begun playing tag now.

"Yes, an important one too. The key to your lost memories lies within our tree house there." Michele said nodding to the freshly built structure.

"So we just watch it play out?"

"Yeah, pretty much. So, until we get to the important part, other than saving the known universe, being burnt to a crisp, and losing your most important memories, how have you been?"

"Good, slowly going insane, but good I think." Shepard said with an honest chuckle.

"No, you're not going insane Johnny, you're past that." They laughed.

"You're not just another product of my damaged head are you?" Shepard looked back to her and watched her take a breath.

"No, I'm not. _That's_ the Michele you've been seeing." Michele pointed to the little girl laughing and having a good time. "She's been leading you up to this moment and has returned to the tragic memory we're watching now, to relive the most horrible part of her life, so you might confront your demons."

"Then what are you?" Shepard asked as the two kids stopped playing to yell back at someone out of view of the memory.

"I'm still your little sister Johnny. I still love you and miss you. That's all that matters." Michele flashed a look that made Shepard uneasy.

"Why won't you tell me?"

"Because you wouldn't understand; you wouldn't approve." Michele looked away and rubbed her neck gritting her teeth in some unknowable pain.

"I may not understand and I may not approve but we're in my head, in my mind, watching my memories, and I would really like to know what happened to my little sister." Shepard said smoothly; he didn't want Michele to think she was unwelcome but rather show that he was being cautious.

"Look, Johnny, it's hard to explain." Michele looked back to him sadly, "I couldn't stand idly by and watch your mind waste away because of the brain damage. I had to do something... I- God, Johnny…"

"I won't be mad I promise. Please tell me." Shepard almost begged.

"I had to do something, _anything_… so I- Johnny it was me. I hid your memories. I packed them away to the only place I knew your mind wouldn't be able to hurt itself because it was the only place it was too terrified to look. I'm sorry Johnny!" Michele broke down in tears and couldn't bring herself to look at him for fear he would judge her.

Shepard watched her cry but realized that he wasn't upset or angry at all; he was grateful. He grabbed her shoulder and pulled her into an embrace wrapping his arms around her and letting her cry on his shoulder.

"Oh God Johnny, I'm so sorry!" Michele cried into his shirt unable to look at him. Shepard stared at her and realized that she hadn't really aged a day, she was still the same little kid since way back when, and as her body matured her mind did not.

"I'm not mad Michele." Shepard reassured but her tears continued to fall.

Suddenly Michele whipped her head around and stopped crying as she stared at the memory. "Here it is..."

Shepard looked up and they were spectating from just outside the tree house; it was as though the walls were cut out so they could see inside. He felt Michele squirm and loosed his hold on her; he glanced down to see her rub her neck again, there was a dark purple bruise running along her throat, from her collar bone up and around the upper back of her head; how Shepard missed something that obvious was beyond him. It looked like someone had taken a bat to her neck but just as Shepard was about to ask her about it she buried her face into his chest and cried.

Shepard looked up in time to see himself, almost six years of age, reach out and push little Michele out of the tree house.

_JUST GO AWAY!__  
_  
Faster than Shepard could think the scene changed drastically and for the worse. They were watching from above little Michele as she fell back and out of the tree house. She had tears falling from her eyes and lifting from her cheeks as gravity played its part. She was terrified, as was the weeping woman in his arms, and the little girl reached out in a last desperate attempt to stop her fall, she couldn't.

Shepard felt himself extend a hand to help but remembered that this was just a memory and lowered his hand in shame. Little Michele tumbled upside down and Shepard quickly found out how she got the bruise on her neck... The ladder.

She landed neck first on the last bar and-

_-Crack-_

Shepard looked away on the verge of tears himself as the memory blinked out. Shepard let out a shaky breath and looked back to where the memory had been but it was gone, replaced by the winding stone path. He looked down at Michele, who had stopped crying but was still wrapped up in his arms, the dark bruise from where her neck had broken contrasted against her pale flesh in the worst, ugliest way.

He lifted a hand and brushed her hair back over her neck to cover the wound. She looked up and smiled weakly but pushed herself away slowly; Shepard let her go.

"Well, that's it. That's how I died." Michele said walking around Shepard. She sniffed and wiped away a lingering tear.

"I'm sorry Michele. I am truly sorry." Shepard said quietly as he reached out and took her hand. She turned to him and laughed once with a more pleasant smile though her eyes remained watery.

"It's alright Johnny…" Michele muttered looking over at him as they began walking down the stone path.

"What now?" Shepard asked as an epiphany never occurred and he still couldn't remember anything.

"You let me go." Michele said as her tears dried up and she stared at him dead eyed.

"What… do you mean?" He watched as she backed up to the ledge of the path and looked down at the hungry black abyss. "What are you doing?"

"Fulfilling the purpose you created me for. If I don't then… you'll die." Michele laughed sadly.

"Michele… don't do anything rash..." Shepard said as he hesitantly stepped closer.

"Johnny you're dying because of me; this final memory. You couldn't deal with it eighteen years ago and you can't deal with it now!"

"You're all the family I have left! I can't- Shell I can't let you go…" He trailed off as a tear snuck down his cheek; Michele smiled and shook her head.

"You're wrong big brother, you're so very wrong." She pointed up and motioned for him to listen. "Do you hear that?"

Shepard stood still and listened… there was nothing… but then a sound. Crying, no not just crying but weeping. There was a voice on the edge of his hearing…

_John? John, wake up! Damnit John! You have to wake up!_

"That's Tali; _your_ Tali."

"I know who it is…"

"She's your family Johnny, not me. Remember? I'm just a byproduct of your mind trying to cope with an event too terrible to even imagine. Your sister is dead and will not be coming back." Michele said coldly.

"Don't say that… Michele, please." Shepard was crying now and tensed as he realized what was about to happen.

"Remember me Johnny, remember me fondly." Michele whispered as she spread out her arms and rocked back on her ankles letting herself fall over the edge; plummeting into the darkness below.

Shepard screamed in incomprehensible, wordless terror as his sister vanished from sight and he ran to the edge but she was already gone. He saw nothing but the blackness. He fell to his knees and cried. He cried. He cried like a baby who had lost their most cherished toy, he cried like a child at the funeral for a sibling, but most importantly he cried like the big brother he could never be for his sister that never was and all the tears she could never shed for herself.

Michele was gone.

There was nothing Shepard could do about that now; she died the same way just now as she did eighteen years ago and he had stood by and done nothing. However, she had jumped off by her own free will. Somehow this will save him, pull his mind from the edge of madness and his body from the cusp of death. Shepard slammed his fist into the ground and swore on his life that he would honor her memory for all time.

He will never forget.

A sluggish pain began to fill his head but it hurt in the most singular way. It was almost akin to someone dragging a blade along every inch of his body with just enough pressure to draw blood but not enough to penetrate into the muscle beneath. It wasn't horribly painful but there was just so much of it, so overwhelming was its presence that Shepard literally couldn't function.

His jaw locked tight, grinding his teeth together painfully, and his muscles froze up of their own accord and began to twitch as their nerves became confused. His vision swam and a ringing in his ears deafened the world around him; it was all he could do from losing control of his bladder. Shepard collapsed to the ground as he passed out suddenly. Passing out in his own mind was probably not the safest thing to do but it wasn't like he was given a choice. Shepard's last few thoughts were of Tali'Zorah, the impressionable and adorable Quarian mechanic who had won him over twice now.

_I miss you Tali…_


	8. Madness

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This. Took. Long. Enough.

* * *

Chapter VIII

Shepard opened his eyes…

There was a bright light staring down at him, though not in the same way as a medical lamp, this was much further away, so distant yet so powerful- the sun. This whole situation eerily familiar of an even that occurred not too long ago and his first thought was to check for injuries but he was unexpectedly distracted by a shadowy figure that shifted into view- blotted out the light- but his irises were so dilated that everything was overwhelmed with white light and all detail lost with the except the obvious dark lines and curves that denoted shape.

Regardless… he felt good.

Emotionally, physically, and spiritually; everything in the complex machine of his mind was in its place and moving in sync with everything else. He actually felt normal again with all of his memories slowly slipping back into their designated slot in the timeline of his life. After days of confused tension the muscles in his arms and legs had slackened and the tightness in his back had loosened up refreshingly; he could actually rotate his shoulders without flinching. His head no longer ached constantly…

_Because Michele is gone…_

It was a sad thought but instead of feeling hurt and despair Shepard felt a cool wash of content blanket his body brining the hairs on his arms on edge as he remembered her. That fact that he did remember her meant that he will never break the oath he made. He will remember her for eternity and make sure others know of her strength after death. Shepard smiled and silently thanked her again for all her help.

Details were coming to the surface as his eyes retracted to cope with the brightness and they locked with the figure; recognition coursed through his nerves – made him grin ear to ear, made him tense with joy, made his skin crawl pleasantly – as the figure became known to him.

"Hey Tali, I missed you." Shepard whispered hoarsely; she laughed hysterically, it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

Tali threw her arms around Shepard as she laughed through tears of joy.

* * *

_He's awake; He survived the fall, but how? He landed on his neck, I heard it snap, we all heard it!_

Haenna was dumbfounded by this outright fascinating turn of events. Then again, miracles are usually fascinating. Is this just more proof of his obvious Godhood? What else could it be? She rushed over to Shepard's side with a small scanner out to check his vitals; Tali whipped her head around and stared at her. Obviously, Tali was glaring angrily but, of course, Haenna couldn't actually see that. Besides, she had a job to do, Shepard was still technically under her direct medical care as he had never checked out of the hospital, and no jealous Quarian was going to get in her way.

"Please stand aside; I have to make sure he's alright." Haenna asked as she turned on the little device.

"No, he's fine. He doesn't need _you_." Tali spat out.

"I insist he may have internal bleeding!"

"I feel fine… seriously ladies, stop arguing over me." Shepard said as he slowly sat up forcing the two children to back up.

"Mr. Shepard I need to make sure you're alright. You have to let me examine you."

"That's not all you want to do." Tali muttered.

"You're right, it's not, and if you weren't so blind to the truth you'd be _helping_ me right now!" Haenna said angrily as she stood up with her jaw clenched, teeth exposed.

"Oh I doubt that very much. In fact, I think you're the one who is blind." Tali clenched her fists with the intent of decking the Asari but Shepard got between them, holding his arms out to keep them at bay.

"Ladies, calm down!" Shepard said loudly, but they seemed intent on starting something.

"I cannot believe that you, a _suit rat_, are engaged to the greatest savior this galaxy has ever seen!" Haenna spit venomously and Tali flinched at the racial term and became enraged beyond rational thought.

"Bosh'tet! Stalkingmy John and thinking he's a _God_! Just how stupid are you?" Tali threw an accusing finger at Haenna and Shepard almost had to duck to avoid her hand.

"Wait what, who thinks this?" Shepard asked in total confusion.

"You're a God Shepard!" Haenna looked to him with desperate eyes. "You have to come with me, this galaxy needs you to lead it into the future!"

"I- ah, I'm sorry?" Shepard took a step away from Haenna so he was closer to Tali; she, of course, took that as a sign that Shepard was siding with her.

"See? He doesn't want anything to do with your ridiculous cult." Tali crossed her arms with a smile on her face. Haenna stood in stunned silence as her God rejected her love.

_This can't be right, this can't be happening! Why can't He see the truth behind His greatness? It's almost as if- her…_ _It was always because of HER!_

"No, it's _you._" Haenna said angrily, "You've been whispering lies and deceit you little snake!"

Tali saw the look in Haenna's eyes; it was so familiar, so dreadfully familiar but by the time Tali realized what it was the pistol was already in the Asari's hand. Utter faith has blinded the poor girl.

"Keelah…"

"No, Haenna don't!" Shepard turned to the Asari as the gun came level with Tali's head.

"Be free Shepard." Haenna whispered as her finger wrapped around the trigger.

Haenna wasn't the best shot, it's been a hundred years since she's had to fire a weapon, and had spent her time practicing medicine which has paid off momentously. However, she didn't need accuracy when her target was five feet away. The firing mechanism clamped down, the mass accelerator kicked into high gear, the magnetic field exploded to colossal proportions in comparison to the space provided, and, faster than the electrical impulses within the brain, a shard of metal was projected from the barrel of the weapon. The miniature slug exceeded eight hundred meters a second and, for the short distance for which it was being applied, would punch straight through a kinetic barrier. However, it didn't need to penetrate a barrier its purpose was a simple one, a terrible one.

But it was prevented.

The round made contact with the wrong body part. It traveled on a precarious course: penetrating flesh, through the Subscapularis, Capsular ligament, Ulnar nerve, Subclavian artery, Median nerve cluster, before finally lodged itself in the Acromion. These particular bits and pieces of anatomy do not belong to Quarians… they belong to Humans. And there was only one Human standing between Haenna and Tali.

Shepard looked over to the wound in his shoulder and let out a breath; there was blood, a lot of blood. The round had struck two arteries on its path so this was to be expected. There was no pain, the nerves had been destroyed, but the slowly building pressure on his chest let him know how bad it was. It was like falling without moving. A sensation so strange it had no name, not to Shepard anyways.

He sighed slowly and looked up at Haenna with an expression of calm, quiet victory; the slightest hint of a smile, the near indistinguishable twitch of an eyebrow.

"Shepard… I-" Haenna never finished her apology.

Two rounds struck her in the side and she fell crying out in pain; the two N7 Marines rushed over with their rifles raised. They had heard the shot but had been busy with their constant perimeter checks to intervene beforehand. One rushed over to Shepard who was still standing despite the massive blood loss. The other jogged over to the fallen Asari, almost casually.

"John!" Tali grabbed him from behind as his knees shivered and buckled beneath his weight. She lied him down just as the Marine arrived.

"Hankins!" The Marine called out as the snap of a rifle echoed through the air. Tali looked up to see the other Marine, Hankins, jog over from Haenna's corpse.

"Coming." Hankins said as he rummaged through a pack on his hip.

"Shoulder, at least one artery has been hit." The other Marine said as Hankins knelt down besides Shepard. "Pass me the QC-Powder."

"Here," Hankins said handing a small plain packet to the other Marine. He rummaged through the pack some more and turned to Tali, "Ma'am, I need you keep him talking. Don't let him pass out."

"Yeah, yeah okay." Tali held Shepard's head in her hands and looked down at him, "Hey, John?"

"Yeah - _nnngh_! - Tali?" Shepard groaned sharply as the man poured the white powder into the bullet wound and began packing it in with a gloved finger. The blood was pushing out rapidly but the man managed to cram a finger into the wound with most of powder and plugged it.

"Get ready with the gel stick." The Marine said as he applied pressure.

"John I need you to pay attention." Tali's eyes welled up with tears; this was getting overwhelming.

"Sure thing Tali." Shepard said softly; to be honest he was having trouble focusing.

"Salethial you ready?" Hankins asked as he positioned the gel stick just above Salethial's finger.

"Yeah on three."

"Don't die. I don't know what I'd do without you…" Tali choked on sobs, the tears were leaving streaks on her mask making it hard to see.

"Hey, baby," Shepard smiled at her concern, "It's alright, I'll be fine. Trust me."

"One."

"You better be fine! You made me a promise." Tali said brushing a hand through his hair

"Two."

"I know, I remember." Shepard laughed softly and reached up to her head, she leaned into his hand crying uncontrollably.

"Three!"

Shepard screamed as the gel stick was rammed into the wound; it burned against the torn flesh and nerve clusters. His body shut itself down as the pain became overwhelming.

There was a lot of blood. Much of the grass around Tali was stained red, it was so vibrant, so filled with oxygen that the color was almost hyper realistic. The ground below them had turned to mud as it became soaked with Shepard's blood. Tali couldn't move, her body was so wracked with sadness and anger that the two conflicting emotions were bogging her down entirely, and stared at Shepard's unconscious body.

"Don't die John, please." Tali whispered as she ran her fingers through his hair.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Ugh, not sure I like how it turned out. Oh well.


	9. Speech

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

* * *

Chapter IX

"Are you ready Shepard?" Tali asked setting a hand on his shoulder; he flinched slightly

"I don't think I've ever been more terrified in my life." Shepard said taking a few deep breaths; his shoulder was still sore.

"You're only addressing every citizen, military member, and politician in the galaxy; only a hundred or so uncountable billion." Tali's attempt at humor was refreshing and Shepard laughed as the minor distraction soothed his rushing mind. She smiled and began gently rubbing his shoulder gently.

"Besides, John, next month…" Tali trailed off as she tapped a finger against his shoulder; Shepard didn't need to look at her finger to know what she was trying tell him and closed his eyes as his anxiety flooded back and in force.

"The wedding..." He groaned quietly as Tali giggled at his stress.

"Well, this will cheer you up." Tali began as she wrapped her arms around Shepard and pressed up against him. "Phalanx says that the Geth are a just few weeks away from developing a cure for my people."

Shepard looked at her with a large grin plastered to his face; it made Tali laugh. He threw an arm around her and kissed the top of her mask. "I see you remember our time together at the Omega 4 Relay."

"You thought I'd forgotten that?" Shepard's asked in surprise.

"Well… It was a long time ago, "Tali had begun to talk faster, her old defensive mechanism kicking in, "You might've forgotten so I was just asking if-"

Shepard placed a hand against the side of Tali's head and she trailed off as he smiled, "I guess you'll just have to remind me later."

Though Shepard couldn't see it Tali was blushing madly but before she could respond an announcer mentioned his name. A massive roar from a few hundred thousand strong reverberated within the confines of the damaged Elizabeth Tower and it gave Shepard pause for thought.

"They love you." Tali said softly as she slipped from Shepard's hand to go look out the door at the crowd. "Like a God to his people."

"Not a God, just a soldier doing his duty." Shepard said truthfully; he followed and took Tali's hand and ran a finger over her ring.

"I know, but do they?" Tali asked turning around to him.

"Perhaps, perhaps not, though it matters little because once this is all said and done I will not be taking up a crown and throne for the love and adoration of a hundred billion people. I will be taking a young, beautiful Quarian back to her home on the beach to love and to cherish for decades to come." Shepard said pulling her back to him; she stumbled right into his arms and stared up at his smiling face.

"I love you Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. You have no idea." Shepard said softly as a Turian with a headset peeked in and gave Shepard the thumbs up. "Time to face the music."

"I love you too, good luck." Tali said as he walked past her and out the door.

* * *

Shepard stepped from the Elizabeth Tower and a thunderclap of applause greeted him; it was overwhelming… empowering. Almost three hundred thousand people crowded into the park and streets, rooftops and windows; and all of it just to get a glimpse of the savior of the galaxy. These people were doing more than just voicing their thanks; they praised him like adoring fans.

He half-smiled as he stepped up to the podium and set his papers down upon it; he held up his hands to calm the crowd and they hushed within moments eagerly waiting for him to speak. The massive projections behind him, to either side of the Elizabeth Tower, allowed even the furthest away to see him, and the speakers set up across many kilometers ensured all would hear him. Shepard looked at the premade speech written up for him and skimmed over it, frowned, and crumpled it up; a huge cheer exploded from the crowd much to Shepard's delight. This was a momentous day in history that deserved a speech to match its greatness, not this premade jargon. Shepard took a few breaths and looked out to the sea of faces and smiled.

"Two thousand years ago young children looked up to the stars and dreamed of exploring the galaxy in the name of adventure. From these childish dreams came forth a reality unlike anything ever seen before in history. Our great forefathers brought forth unto this galaxy a new future, a new home, conceived in the fires of passion, built upon the cornerstones of Liberty and Freedom, and dedicated to the pursuit of equality.

Then, we were engaged in a war so vast that entire swaths of the galaxy were swallowed in Chaos, it tested whether that future, that dream, so imagined and so dedicated, could endure. We stand here today on the last battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate the reconstruction of the venerable Elizabeth Tower and the famed Big Ben, as the spiritual resting place for the uncountable billions who willingly gave their lives for this dream and for those who had their lives unjustly taken from them. We must do this for them, not for our own sake of remembrance, for our own survival but for the loved ones lost; it is altogether fitting and proper that we do this today.

However, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, cannot consecrate, cannot hallow this monument to the inspiring courage displayed in the face of certain death. The brave men and women, living and dead, who struggled here, who suffered here, have consecrated this ground far beyond our ability to thank them, for we owe to these souls our very existence.

The future will footnote, and remember little, of what is said here this day, but we can never forget what has been done here. It has fallen to us, the living, rather, to fully dedicate to the unfinished, the unrealized dream of they who fought here have so nobly saved from destruction. So it is for us to dedicate ourselves to the great challenge, the great task remaining – that from these honored lost we take increased pride in the cause for which they gave their last possible measure of true devotion – that we affirm to the greatest extent and the highest of resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain – that our purpose shall be made new, to complete where they left off – and that future made real by people, united through conflict and sustained through friendship, shall not be allowed to perish from the galaxy."

The crowd erupted. The world shook as billions rejoiced. Thousands of ships in orbit echoed the elation of planet below. Across the vastness of space, the great distance through the void, entire systems were filled with the cries of the jubilant as the speech reached them.

Shepard looked out to the crowd and felt a hand on his waist; he looked over to find Tali gazing out to the crowd in all their adoration. She looked to Shepard and embraced him lovingly.

"You didn't need any luck." Tali whispered.

"Are you kidding? I think I'm about to pass out." Shepard said turning with her to leave; she giggled.

"Let's get back to the Normandy. I want to finally go home, with you."

"So do I." Shepard said as they left the stage.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Note sure if I plan on continuing this. Not really sure how haha, I guess I could something like, '5 years later' or whatever. Oh well, I'll see what comes to mind.


	10. The Beginning of the End

Pain and Suffering

By: Absolute Edge

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**CHAPTER X**

* * *

"Tali, where'd you sneak off to?" Shepard called out making his way down the stairs.

Shepard frowned as there was no reply and walked into the living room, no Tali, but plenty of toys scattered about. He picked up a plastic spaceship, a replica of the Normandy, and smiled turning it over in his hands. Good times. Setting it down on a low table he began picking up all of the action figures and admiring them as they reminded him of old friends. The whole gang was here, some from way back when and even a few that are gone now.

"I miss you guys." Shepard said as he was hit by a wave of pleasant, painful nostalgia.

"So do I." A soft voice said from behind.

Shepard turned around to find Tali leaning up against the wall by the staircase. She was in sandals, yoga pants, and a hoodie two sizes too large with the hood up; she looked adorable and it made him smile.

"What are you smiling at?" Tali began smiling because Shepard was staring at her and looked down to see if she had something on her clothing. Shepard set the action figures down and made his way around the couch to Tali.

"You're so beautiful." Shepard said standing close and placing his hands on Tali's hips.

Her cheeks flustered and it was very apparent against her light grey skin. She smiled and threw her arms around Shepard's neck and leaned in for a kiss and Shepard was more than happy to oblige.

Suddenly the pitter patter of tiny feet came rushing into the living room. Shepard smiled as he spied the two youngsters peeking out from around the couch and Tali laughed following his gaze.

"Ewwww! Dad's eating mommy's face!" Their oldest cried out with a big smile and covered her eyes.

"Now I'm going to eat your face!" Shepard said jumping at them, they screamed and ran around the couch away from him.

"No, daddy! Go way!" The youngest said climbing onto the couch; Shepard scooped him up with a laugh.

"Got'cha!" Shepard called out holding his son in his arms, they laughed together.

His daughter ran around to the other side of the couch screaming with a smile. Tali watched her peek around the other side to see what Shepard was doing. Tali smiled and picked up her daughter who yelped and thrashed in surprise.

"No, no, no! I got you!" Tali hugged her close and walked around to Shepard who had plopped down on the couch.

"Ah! _Mommy!_" The little girl complained as Tali kissed her forehead. "That's icky!"

She sat down on the couch and leaned into Shepard's shoulder. Their son had snatched up the replica Normandy and was playing spaceships while Shepard narrated a story for his son to fly his ship to.

"Mommy, mommy, I want to play too!" Their daughter struggled to escape Tali's grasp.

"Alright, but play nice." Tali said lifting her up and setting her down on the floor so she could get some toys.

"Go play with your sister." Shepard said setting his son down with his spaceship.

Shepard and Tali watched as their two kids ran off with handfuls of toys. Tali laughed and pushed Shepard over onto his back and lied on top of him.

"Well hello there." Shepard said with a grin.

"Hey." Tali giggled and rested her head on Shepard's chest with a sigh.

Shepard ran a hand down her back and dragged his nails back and forth much to Tali's delight.

"Oh, I love when you do that." Tali breathed out slowly as her body responded to Shepard's touch.

"Can't help it, I have to make up for all the years I couldn't." Shepard said as he reached down with his other hand and began scratching both sides of Tali's back at once.

"You don't, mmm, have to... But don't stop." Tali said slowly.

Shepard smiled and brought a hand up to Tali's head and brushed a few strands of her short, dark hair back behind her ear. She glanced up at him with a smirk and kissed his shoulder.

"Do you know how much I love you?" Tali asked leaning back slightly so she could really look at him.

"Enough to have to have two beautiful kids with me?" Shepard said with a smirk and Tali smiled back.

"Very true, but it's more than that." Tali suddenly became very serious and her face became stern. "I don't want you to think that I'm with you because of all the things you've done for me over the years, for my people and the Geth, I don't want you to think that I've been... _guilt tripped_ into being with you to repay all you've done. I'm with you because I love you, because I love who you are."

"Why would I think that? I know Garrus told you about my past." Shepard said, he winced as painful memories came to the surface reminding him of how many innocent lives he's taken, of how horrible of a person he had been all those years ago.

"He did, yes. How did you know?"

"He told me." Shepard shrugged, indicating that he wasn't concerned that Tali knew, "So you know that I was interested in you _way_ before the whole deal with the Reapers."

"I know, but I wanted to make sure." Tali said lying back down and slapping at his hand, Shepard took the hint and slipped around and under the side of her hoodie and continued scratching her back.

"You better stop thinking that or I might have to take you upstairs and do horrible things to you." Shepard said slowly with a big cheesy grin on his face.

"Oh really? Well, maybe I need to be taught a lesson?" Tali said with a sneaky smile as she slowly slipped a leg to the outside of his, taunting him.

Shepard grinned and felt her body shiver as he sent his hand further south. "What a bad girl."

"You like when I'm bad." Tali giggled but was cut off by a sharp gasp as Shepard performed a sudden, spine tingling maneuver between her thighs. "I'm s-so bad."

"You're a bad girl, very bad, you need to be punished." Shepard whispered in her ear.

Tali wanted to take this upstairs before it got out of hand but they were interrupted as their children came running into the living room laughing and holding toys up in the air as if they were flying.

Shepard yanked his hand out from under Tali's pants and she suppressed a moan. The two kids flew at them and jumped onto the couch yelling gibberish before calming down.

"Mommy, daddy! Aunty Eedy and uncky Joker is here!" Their son cried out as he jabbed the Normandy replica into Shepard's side.

"Also aunty Wiara and uncky Fanx!" Their daughter said climbing up to Tali who sat up to hold the girl on her lap.

"Well let's go see them then!" Tali said in excitement and shooting Shepard a 'maybe later' grin, he responded by licking his lips which made Tali's grin widen.

"I wonder what those kids want." Shepard said standing up with his son in one arm, Tali picked up their daughter and they all made their way to the door.

Shepard looked out a window and, sure enough, the four ex-Normandy crew members were making their way up the small walkway to the house. He opened the door and set down his boy who took off down the stairs, something brushed by his leg and Shepard saw his oldest rush down the stairs after their son.

"Be careful you two, watch your step!" Shepard called out.

Tali walked up and wrapped an arm around Shepard as they watched their children greet their old friends. Their youngest went straight for Joker and EDI; he had always been fascinated with anything to do with spaceships and synthetics so it was no surprise. Their oldest made a beeline to Phalanx and Liara, she greatly took after her mother, always wanting to know everything and figure out why stuff worked.

Shepard smiled as EDI crouched down and caught their son as he charged straight into her open arms. EDI picked him up and laughed as he threw his arms around her. Joker patted him on the back and the boy twisted to see him with a smile. Shepard looked to his oldest who did the same thing, ploughed straight into an awaiting Phalanx who did his best to cushion her momentum without accidentally hurting the girl with his hard synthetic frame. He stood up placing the girl on his shoulder as she cried out in joyous excitement. Liara reached up and ruffled her dark hair, much to their child's delight. They walked up with the children and handed them back to their parents, all laughing.

"Well, here's your goofball back." Joker said as EDI handed their son to Tali.

"Thank you, so how have you all been?" Shepard asked embracing them each in turn with his son in one arm.

"Good, good." EDI said looking at Joker with a smile; he switched hands with his cane and threw an arm around her.

"Better than good I'd say!" Joker said with a laugh.

"How about you two?" Tali asked looking at Phalanx and Liara; they were holding hands.

"Words cannot express my happiness." Phalanx said slowly. Liara grinned, blushing madly, and looked away embarrassed. They laughed again.

"So what brings you to our humble home?" Tali asked waving for them to come in.

"The tenth anniversary of Victory Day is coming up and we were wondering if you would join us in a little get-together we're having?" EDI said handing Shepard and Tali little invitation cards.

Shepard looked to Tali and back to his old friends, "As long as it's child friendly. We'll probably end up bringing the kiddos along."

"There'll be a kids section with adult supervision so you two can relax and have a good time. It's your day after all." Liara said with a laugh.

"Yes, Mr. Shepard, you have nothing to worry about." Phalanx said with a nod.

Shepard looked to Tali again. She smiled and nodded eagerly, "Sounds like fun."

"Alright then," Shepard said looking back to his friends, "we'll be there."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Just a small chapter getting some details out there, hope it was still enjoyable. Oh and there's nothing wrong with borrowing the greatest speech in the history of speeches, just saying. Also, I'm not a good speech writer xD


End file.
